Maybe It Never Changes
by MissAdds
Summary: Can Olivia handle everything in her personal life when she's all alone? And can a copy cat rapist bring Sergeant Benson back to a place she hoped to never be again? Maybe it has to get worse, before it can get better.
1. Chapter 1

_*** Another new story… Opps. But it was another idea that I couldn't get out of my head. I'll work on finishing/continuing my other stories. But here's this for you guys. ***_

"Is this really how we're going to end this Olivia?" Brian looked at her as she held her head in her hands.

She hated when he used her whole name. She was always Liv, never Olivia to him and it made her cringe when he spit the letters at her. This was not how it was supposed to end. It was not supposed to end at all. He was going to be the man she finally settled down with, did the things she had always wanted to do with. Now it seemed as if it was all ending, quicker than it had started.

"I don't know Brian." She sighed. "I don't what this is or what's happening to us, but I just don't see how this is going to work out."

"So instead we're just going to give up?!" He nearly screamed.

"Well it would at least be better than sitting in this damn apartment yelling at each other for the rest of our lives just because we feel obligated to be together? Or just because it's apparently the right thing to do?" Olivia knew those words were harsh as soon as they left her mouth.

Brian scoffed. "So you mean to say that there's nothing left in our relationship worth fighting for?"

She didn't even know how to respond. When had they gotten to this point? Everything had changed in the blink of an eye and nothing would ever be the same. All she wanted was to rewind back to that day, make a different choice, and do what she should have done.

It was Lewis. It was always Lewis. He did something to Olivia no other human being could ever do. He came over her, controlled her, and knew every exact way to make her feel powerless. But she knew better than to follow him, knew better than to agree to meet him in the middle of nowhere. What had she expected, an easy exchange of the little girl for a chance to let him get off and get away without persecution? Nothing involving William Lewis was ever easy. And every encounter would leave a scar. The scar from their last meeting, however, came from not just Lewis this time.

If it hadn't been for her going after the sadistic man, maybe her and Brian wouldn't be fighting now. Maybe Brian wouldn't be so enraged by her supposedly stupid and selfish choice. Perhaps, nothing would have changed and they would have been back in the place they had been, a place where they had just started to get excited about their future.

"But that's just the thing Brian. We'd be fighting for it. Aren't you tired of it? I mean what is fun about having to fight for everything?" Olivia asked him. "We shouldn't have to work this hard to communicate with each other. We should be able to talk and to listen to each other for more than five minutes a day. Our relationship shouldn't revolve around anger and who can yell the loudest in an argument."

"So you're telling me that you're okay with giving up? You're okay with this child not having two parents? I mean why should any child of ours get to have a normal childhood, right?" Brian's anger was boiling as he spoke to her.

"Do not go there Brian!" Olivia's anger was just about at the same boiling point. "You know damn good and well that I want nothing but the best for this baby. But does this look like the best? What's going to be good about having a mom and dad that do nothing but scream at each other every night?"

"At least there would still be a mom and dad." Brian spit out at her.

Olivia took a deep breath trying to calm her raging anger before she said something she would truly regret and calm her raging stomach before she ended up running to the bathroom.

She knew he had a point. Brian almost always had a decent point to his arguments with Olivia, but that didn't mean it didn't bother her when they got into yelling matches. And as more and more nights were spent fighting each other, Liv just couldn't help but build up anger over every word that was exchanged.

"Just stop, please, Bri." Olivia looked up at him where he stood in front of her. "I can't do it. We can't do this anymore."

"So you're just planning on raising this child on your own then?" Brian's anger had been replaced. He almost seemed hurt now, like he had been betrayed by the one person he thought he could trust. Why had he wasted the last year of his life if all he was getting in return was a kick out the door?

"Brian…" Olivia's voice broke as she tried to speak. "You have to know I would never do that. I would never take your son or daughter from you. Just because we weren't meant to be a couple, does not mean I don't think you should be this baby's father."

He shook his head and almost chuckled, remembering all of the nights they had spent yelling at each other about being unfit parents. "I really hope you mean that Liv." Brian told her.

But nothing more was said by Olivia before Brian headed towards their bedroom. She could hear the drawers of their shared dresser opening, as well as the sound of hangers hitting each other as he searched through the closet. For five minutes she listened to him rummage through their room and she knew exactly what he was doing. Her only reaction was the tears that formed in her eyes. She couldn't even move to try and talk to him or to try and stop him. Maybe she really didn't want to stop him. Maybe she was a little relieved that there wasn't going to be an awkward, tension filled night ahead of her.

Before she could decide exactly how she felt, Liv watched as Brian came from their bedroom with a packed bag in his hand. He headed straight for the door and grabbed his jacket from the rack where it hung. He slid his arms in the sleeves, zipped it up, and picked the bag back up.

"I know you probably don't want me here tonight." He looked at Olivia.

She opened her mouth to say something, but she didn't have anything to say. Liv wasn't going to tell him that of course after what had happened she didn't want him there with her.

"When I find some time, I'll come get my stuff and I'll make sure to do it when you're not home because I'm sure you won't want to see me." Brian said it to her both because he knew it was true and a little because he wanted to make her feel bad, which he knew he shouldn't do, but he was too aggravated to worry about what was coming out of his mouth.

With those being his last words he opened the door and slammed it behind him without looking back. And Olivia didn't look at anything but the ground in front of her as he spoke and left, she couldn't watch him.

The now silent apartment seemed so empty. Olivia immediately headed for the bedroom. The drawers and closet door were still open from Brian's packing and Olivia closed them quickly.

She changed into a pair of pajamas and loose t-shirt, got ready for bed and lay down on her side of the queen sized bed, the day's events having worn her out. But as soon as her head touched the pillow and she looked to her left, all that looked back at Olivia was an empty space.

She gently touched the sheets where Brian had slept just the night before. Had she made a mistake? Did she really mean anything she had said?

But then it all played through her mind again. Every word they had said to each other emphasized as she went over it again and again. There was nothing good about where they had ended up. She couldn't justify feeling bad when she knew that separating was probably the best choice for not just herself, but the other person who would eventually be a part of the situation.

Her hand rested on the small bump of her stomach, feeling a small fluttering inside her.

Olivia had to remember that not everything was about her anymore. Not everything was solely affecting her and as hard as that was to get used to, it also made her a little bit happy that even though Brian was gone, she wouldn't be alone for long.

_*** Just an FYI: My version of Olivia and Brian's break up obviously happens after the last attack by William Lewis instead of before. And I know more Olivia and having a baby, but I promise there will be focus on some other things as well and I wanted to try out her doing it on her own. ***_


	2. Chapter 2

The precinct was ensued in chaos when Olivia walked into work the following Monday morning. There was not a single person at a desk, as everyone was running around collecting info from one and other and the squad room was filled with voices and the sound of phones ringing.

Nick was the first person to approach the baffled sergeant who had paused to watch the madness. "Did you get my calls?"

Olivia came back to reality when she heard Nick's voice directed at her. "Calls?"

"I called you three times already this morning." Nick told her.

Olivia pulled out her phone and sighed when she saw the three missed calls from Nick, as well as ones from Fin and Amanda. "I'm sorry. It was a rough morning and didn't check my phone before I left."

And it had been a hard morning. Even though she was already sixteen weeks along, Olivia still had not gotten passed the morning sickness and it come at her full force that morning. She didn't get sick, but she was so dizzy and nauseas she could barely get herself out of bed and getting ready had taken her much longer than it normally does. And this time she didn't have any support from Brian, it was just her by herself.

Nick looked at her, somewhat confused by her answer. "Everything okay?"

Olivia pulled her jacket slightly, covering her stomach. She knew he deserved an actual answer, but she wasn't in a place to tell him right there.

No one knew about her pregnancy, she couldn't bring herself to reveal it. She knew that it would mean a change in command for the squad and other complications. Liv just didn't want to put that on the team or herself. There had been so many changes with Cragen and Munch leaving as it was, she just was not ready for another one yet.

She tugged at her jacket again, knowing that soon enough there would be no way to hide her secret, before she answered him. "I'm fine. It doesn't matter." She gestured to the hectic and loud room. "What's going on that this place looks like this?"

"We don't have all the details of the case yet, but I think we should go into your office to discuss it." Nick's tone had changed. He now sounded worried, like the case was something hard to handle and he wasn't sure about it.

"Okay." Olivia headed towards her office. If it was urgent why was Nick wasting time making sure there was more privacy before he briefed her?

Nick followed behind her and gestured to both Fin and Amanda to follow him. They all needed to be there when they filled their sergeant in. They were the ones who understood the best and Olivia would need more support than she would be willing to admit. The two other detectives were quick to get from their desks and through the crowd into Olivia's office, Fin closed the door behind him as he was the last to enter after Nick and Amanda.

Olivia flopped her bag on the desk and turned to look at her team. "What's going on that you all feel the need to be in here when you tell me?"

"The case came in this morning. Two girls brought in by a man who said he found them on the sidewalk. They were dirty and disoriented, but they claimed they had been taken and held since last Thursday." Fin started, giving a very brief description of the crime.

Olivia looked from all three of them, her face contorted in such a way that seemed to scream confusion. "That's what you needed to tell me? And you couldn't do that in the squad room?"

"There's more to it than just that." Amanda said.

"Alright, seriously?" Olivia scoffed. "There is total chaos out there. I've never seen so many people or heard so many phone calls being made; this has to be more than an abduction. The girls aren't even still missing, so I need one of you to tell me why you're tiptoeing around this."

Nick sighed. "Both girls were taken to the hospital, where Amanda and I went to go talk to them. We also talked to the doctor, who was a little disturbed by what she found in the exam."

"Both girls were raped." Amanda explained, giving reason as to why the case was given to SVU in the first place. "They both still had a large amount of alcohol in their bodies…" She paused. "And they were covered in burn marks and had been branded. The doctor said she thought they were from cigarettes and metal hangers."

Olivia felt a shiver shoot through her whole body. Her eyes widened and her body stood absolutely still, her thoughts taken over by something else.

_"Does that hurt? I'm sure it does." The man's ravenous eyes met hers and he snickered at the terrified look on her face. _

_ The lit cigarette pressed against the skin of her chest, it burned and smoked as it melted into her. The room was filled with the smell of burnt flesh, this being the fourth cigarette he had lit into her, along with a slim metal hanger that had left a mark across her entire abdomen. _

_ Olivia simply whimpered as her attacker continued his torture. The cigarette had gone out and it was no longer causing the pain he wished it to, so he pulled out yet another and lit it. He took a puff and blew the smoke into her face, making her cough. _

_ His laughter filled the room as his antics were affecting her more and more. "Didn't like that much did you? Maybe you'll like this better." _

_ He quickly clenched her face in hands, holding it so tightly in his grip that Olivia was sure he could break her jaw if he wanted. The pain was made worse as the cigarette he had just lit was shoved into her neck. _

_ Olivia let out a cry of pain caused from both his hold and the hot, burning stick pressed against her skin._

_"Oh see, you do like this better. I think I do to." He erupted again into laughter. A sound Olivia would never forget. The sound of William Lewis laughing was forever embedded into her mind. _

"Olivia. Liv." Nick tapped her gently on the shoulder, making her jump.

"Lewis." Olivia said, finally looking at the others in the room. "It's his M.O."

"We thought that too." Amanda told her.

Olivia sat down in her desk chair. "How is that possible though?" She knew there was no way it was Lewis himself. She had watched him shoot himself in the head after a game of Russian roulette. The abandoned building had held only Olivia and Amelia, the little girl Lewis had taken, as well as Lewis himself, and when it came to his end the whole building seem to fill with the sound of a gunshot. Just the thought of that moment made her touch her face the feeling of being covered in his blood coming back to her.

"That's what we were worried about." Nick spoke. "The girls were able to tell us a first name of the man who had taken them. And we think we were able to figure out who did this."

"So why haven't you picked him up?" Olivia questioned her voice still a little shaky, the residual effect of her horrible flashback.

"We had just gotten a name and were looking at his record, when you walked in. We thought we should fill you in before someone else told you." Fin told her. He, just like Amanda and Nick, knew what Olivia had gone through and knew that this case would bring back things that were all too traumatic.

"So you have a current residence then?" Olivia asked them.

"That's not all we have." Nick admitted. "His name was in the system because he's been incarcerated before."

"Well that's usually how it works." Olivia said sarcastically. "What makes his prison stay any different?"

"We didn't think anything at first, but then Amanda pointed out that the details about the burns and what Lewis used to do them with were never released to the public."

"So we cross referenced the guy's prison time with Lewis'". Amanda explained.

Olivia was starting to realize what her detectives were trying to tell her. She knew herself that the specific details of her own torture and the other victims of Lewis, had not been told to anyone. Those were things that no one needed to know, it was hard enough to overcome an attack where a person was able to smell their own skin burn and watch a man violate them in so many different ways. The public didn't need to have those images in their heads, too.

"So what did you get?" Olivia questioned.

"The man, who took these girls… was William Lewis' cell mate before the trial." Nick finally told his sergeant.


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia's breath caught in her throat when she heard the words leave Nick's mouth. She wasn't sure how to react. It seemed as if it was all starting again.

Once had been more than enough. Neither Olivia nor anyone else ever needed to feel the wrath of someone like William Lewis. No on needed to feel the burning tip of a cigarette against their skin or a metal hanger branding them or a bottle of vodka being shoved in their mouth, the substance being forced down their throat. Olivia knew all about it and she would do anything to stop another beast from attacking.

"Olivia? Hey, Liv?" Fin's voice suddenly sounded through the office.

The sergeant left her own thoughts and rejoined her detectives. "I'm sorry. Umm… So who is this guy? What do we know?"

Nick stared at his C.O. He knew she would have a hard time keeping herself in the present with this case. All of it was too similar to her incident with Lewis to not bring back her hated flashbacks.

"All we know is his name is Jack Sutton. He's thirty-nine and has a rap sheet a mile long, everything from assault to robbery." Nick said.

"But he's like Lewis." Amanda interjected. "He always gets off with an easy sentence or no jail time at all."

Olivia sighed. She knew they were up against another charming animal. "So you said you had a current residence? What are we waiting for? Someone should be over there right now."

"We already sent a couple of uniforms over there." Fin told her.

All of a sudden there was a ringing from Nick's pocket where his phone was. He quickly pulled it out and tapped the answer button, hoping the call would be a good one. But everyone in the room watched as his expression quickly changed and it was obvious that the news he was receiving was not good.

He hung up and looked around at all of his colleagues looking at him. "That was one of the uniforms that we sent over there." Nick started. "Sutton was home when they entered but he left down the fire escape and drove off in a car before they could get to him."

"So they got nothing?" Amanda asked.

"Nope." Nick replied.

"Great." Amanda huffed. "Looks like we're back to square one."

Olivia simply shook her head, knowing that it would be a difficult and time consuming case, not to mention everything else that would personally haunt her.

* * *

><p>Nearly two weeks and three more cases later, and the team was still trying to catch the sick predator.<p>

It was almost worse than Lewis, Olivia thought. This time around she knew exactly what was happening to the victims she had an understanding that no one else on her squad had. And this guy was almost better than Lewis at escaping the grasp of the justice system, something Olivia never thought was possible.

While her flashbacks had started to come back a little more frequently than she liked, Liv had to keep her focus on the case. They needed to get the bastard off the streets.

"Where was the last place he was seen?" Nick asked as the team sat around the table sitting in front of the case board, searching for some tiny clue as to where their suspect could be.

"There's nothing after his apartment." Amanda answered him. "He went back briefly, when his neighbor reported seeing him and since then there hasn't been anything."

"And we have no phone records? Emails? Nothing?" Olivia asked. She knew what the answer was, but they had to think through everything.

"Absolutely nothing. He's made no contact with anyone since his first attack." Fin sounded irritated as he relayed the fact.

"There has to be something. Somewhere he slipped up and left us something." Liv was beyond ideas.

"Yes there has to be something and you all better be finding it quickly." The voice took the team by surprise and they all turned to see Chief Dodds standing feet away from them, his signature scowl on his face.

"Chief." Olivia was shocked and certainly not happy about the man's visit. "What can we do for you?'

"I think you probably know what I'm here for." He was always snarky, never a very pleasant person to deal with.

"My office?" Olivia knew as sergeant that everything was on her shoulders, but sometimes she just didn't want to deal with all the responsibility of being Commanding Officer. It was especially bad when Dodds was involved.

The pair walked in, Olivia closing the door behind her and Dodds wasted no time in starting his reprimand. "Is there some reason you and your team still have yet to catch this guy? He's been a suspect for almost two weeks now and you have gotten nowhere."

Olivia had to stop herself from rolling her eyes at how aggravating his comments were. "We're working on it, but there's not really anywhere to go. We've been here until 11, 12 every night working on finding something, but this guy is good."

"Well you better being working quickly, before this gets out of hand with the press. So far nothing has leaked, but so help me if something ends up in the paper." Dodds threatened.

"We won't let that happen. We'll have this figured out, you have my word." Olivia promised, even though she wasn't sure it was one she could keep.

"I want something soon, sergeant." Dodds seemed more serious than ever.

"I know." Olivia assured him. "And we will work until we can get this guy in our custody."

"I'm glad to hear that." Dodds told her. "But for tonight, you and your team can head home. Get some rest and be prepared to work your asses off until we have Sutton."

"Of course. Thank you, sir." Olivia was more grateful than he even realized to actually be able to go home and get some sleep.

Ten minutes after Dodds had left; Amanda, Fin, Nick, and Olivia were all walking out of the precinct to their respectable cars or whatever form of transportation they used. Each one of them relieved to be going home.

After Liv was buckled in and had started her car, her phone went off the, the sound notifying her that she had a new text message. She reached into her purse in the passenger seat and pulled out her phone. Surprisingly enough the message was from Brian. It was him asking if he could come over and pick up some more of his stuff from the apartment.

Her hand immediately went to her bump, which starting to be harder and harder for her to hide, but every time she thought of him the only thing she could think about was the one thing left between them. And, even though Liv wanted to go home and relax, she was willing to let him come over and she texted him back a simple yes. She just wanted all of his things out, so they would stop reminding her of what might have been.

Olivia arrived home twenty minutes later; the exhaustion she had been trying to avoid had hit her like a ton of bricks as she had driven home from the precinct.

The stairs to her apartment made Liv feel as if she was climbing a mountain. She was slowly, but surely, starting to feel the effects of her pregnancy and she knew that sixteen hours day were not going to cut it for very much longer. But for now she was just focused on getting Brian his stuff and getting in to her warm bed, sleeping for as long as she possibly could.

Olivia pushed her key into the lock, but a noise coming from inside distracted her. She hadn't seen Brian's car, but he was probably parked in front of the building so she wouldn't have noticed it. Or she was simply being paranoid, which had been normal lately with her reoccurring flashbacks.

However, as soon as she opened the door, Olivia knew it wasn't her paranoia that caused her to hear the noise, no, nothing like that.

The noise had been caused by what she considered her worst nightmare, a nightmare she had already lived through and never thought she would have to try and survive again. Too bad she was horribly wrong.

"Welcome home again, Sergeant Benson. How nice it is to finally meet you." The man was none other than Jack Sutton, standing in front of her with a grin almost identical to that of William Lewis.

A chill ran its way through her whole body. The voice of the man made her sick to her stomach and she instantly planted her hands on her unborn child, as if she was trying to protect them.

"What do you say we get to know each other a little better?" The tone of his voice was cocky and it dripped with a sense of control.

But Olivia didn't reply, she had no time to. Before she knew what was happening, the man was grabbing her, a gun in his hand pressed against the middle of her back. He pulled her into her own bedroom, swinging her with all of his strength onto the bed.

He leaned over her, caressing her cheek with the gun, just as Lewis had, as if they were lovers, Olivia winced at the touch and let out a small whimper.

"You're not scared are you?" He laughed at her. "We haven't even started, you have no idea what it means to fear me yet."

*** _Reviews are appreciated! *_**


	4. Chapter 4

**_* Thank you for the reviews! Keep them coming please. * _**

His hands made their way up and down her legs, slowly. He used both his fingers and the gun to draw the lines down her thighs, as he toyed with her.

She felt as if it had been days with the man, when in reality it had been maybe two hours. But it was two hours of pure torture as the man played with her emotions and her body.

"You're more beautiful in person than Lewis described you." Sutton told her as he moved himself up her body, the gun in his hand now running across her neck.

Olivia said nothing in return. She hadn't said anything at all, not since she stepped foot in her apartment. If she were to retort back to his disgusting remarks it would only show him that he was affecting her and the more affect he thought he had on her the more he would push her to places she hoped she would never return to.

"Maybe we should start having a little more fun?" Sutton smirked, the same smirk that Lewis had given her. He softly moved the tip of the gun across her cheek again.

_He smirked at her when she no longer responded to his taunting. He knew he was finally breaking her. He could see it in her eyes. _

_ "Now this is when you beg." Lewis told Olivia. _

_ And with one swift move he shoved the tip of his gun into her mouth with one hand, while he used the other hand to hold her head still. _

_ Lewis had gotten more than mad when Olivia had started to taunt him with his manhood. She told me him he hadn't done anything to her because he couldn't handle a real woman. And she had pushed him just a little too far. _

_ "How about now? You still think I can't handle you?" Lewis shoved the gun in farther. _

_ Olivia grunted in response. She tried to speak, but couldn't. _

_ "What was that? Do you have something to say now?" Lewis laughed. "Maybe now you're ready to beg me." _

_ He slid the gun out of her mouth just enough to let her speak. "Please. I want to live. I'll do anything." She begged, just as he had hoped she would. _

_ "That's what I thought." Lewis spat at her._

That was one of the worst moments she had shared with Lewis, a moment that made her feel weak and vulnerable and absolutely hopeless. And now looking at the evil smirk that played across Sutton's face, she was worried that these moments would be just as bad.

"What are you thinking about, sweetheart?" Sutton pulled the gun back and watched as Olivia's expression changed, and now he could see the fear she had been trying so hard to hide.

She still gave no answer, though.

And Sutton didn't need an answer. He didn't need her permission, all he cared about in that moment was satisfying himself.

"Why don't we get all of those clothes off of you, see if you're the real woman I was told you were." Sutton suggested, although he held the power to do just that.

He laid the gun down so he would have both hands free. He threw Olivia's cuffed hands, so they were above her head, giving him access to unbutton her shirt. He was slow and methodical, making sure to not miss a button and not miss an opportunity to touch Olivia in just a way to make her cringe every time. By the time he had gotten to the last button of her blouse, Olivia had forgotten what the thin fabric had been hiding from her attacker. And her breath immediately hitched in her throat as he opened the fabric revealing her swollen stomach.

"Oh… What do we have here?" He laid his hands on her unborn child, moving them so he felt every square in inch of abdomen.

Olivia almost said something, when he got up from the bed. He didn't leave, but he simply stood over her, looking at her as if she was a slab of meat and he was a hungry, rabid dog. His eyes were filled with excitement at his new discovery.

"This makes it so much better." Sutton laughed out loud at his revelation. "I'm getting two for the price of one."

"Please." Olivia whispered her plea.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you." Sutton pounced back on top of her, the gun he had left lying on the bed instantly back in his hand and aimed at Olivia.

"Please, don't do this. Please." Her lips quivered as she spoke.

It was happening again, just like it had with Lewis. This time, though, she wasn't asking for her own life to be spared. The only person she cared about was her innocent, unborn child.

But there was no time for a response from Sutton, before they were interrupted by a knock at the door.

Brian, Olivia thought. She had forgotten about his text message earlier. A wave of hope ran through her and she did the only logical thing.

Olivia's scream filled the room. "HELP!"

But Sutton acted fast. He took the gun that was aimed at Olivia and smashed it against her face. "Shut up, bitch." He yelled at her, a look of panic showed for just a moment on his face. He was stuck.

"Who the hell is it?" Sutton asked.

"I don't know." Olivia struggled to tell the lie with the gun now shoved in her mouth. He couldn't know that she knew exactly who was on the other side of her door, or he would use it as leverage.

The knocking continued, this time harder and faster. Brian had to have heard Olivia's scream.

Sutton started to move quickly. He grabbed Olivia and moved her to end of the bed. He unlocked her handcuffs, only to hook her arms around one of the posts on her bed and re-locked the cuffs.

He looked at her the gun aimed at her face. "One move, one sound, and it's light out."

The familiar phrase sent a chill down her spine. Lewis wasn't even alive and he still had a grasp on both Olivia and Sutton.

With the last words he knew would make Olivia freeze, Sutton left the room. Olivia could hear his footsteps from the bedroom to the door, but they stopped and she could hear the slight creak of the front door as it was opened.

Sutton tried to act as if nothing was wrong as he confronted the man on the other side of the door.

But the man looked at him, as if he knew something was off. "Who the hell are you?" Brian asked.

He had texted Olivia she said he could come over and they had broken up less than a month ago; there was no way she had already found someone new. Especially with the baby, that was her priority and Brian knew the last thing Liv would do is find come random guy to move on with.

"That doesn't matter." Sutton answered and immediately revealed the gun he had been holding behind his back.

"What the hell?" Brian reached for his own gun, holstered to his belt. "Where is Olivia?"

"Oh I don't think you need to worry about her." Sutton told him.

But Brian didn't believe him. He had heard the sound of a scream earlier. And with just a single look at the man aiming a gun at him he knew whatever was going on, was not good. "Where is Olivia? What did you do to her?"

"I just really don't think that's any of your business." And with those words, Sutton lunged at Brian.

All the while Olivia struggled against the cuffs, even though she knew it was a lost cause, there was no way she was getting herself free.

However, her thoughts of freedom ceased as soon as she heard the yelling from the living room. She knew the voices were Brian's and Sutton's, but she couldn't make out a single word they were saying. And then it was silent, until Olivia heard a crash, something falling to the floor and breaking. Brian was trying to fight him off, Olivia thought to herself. And all she could hope was that he would take Sutton down.

Olivia's hopes were crushed within minutes though. The sound of the men fighting had ceased and it was replaced with noises much worse.

Three gunshots rang through the apartment. Their loud bangs making Olivia jump.

And then silence. She could hear nothing. No voices, no fighting. The only sound left was the haunting echo of the gunshots that played in her head.


	5. Chapter 5

Nick was in his squad car when he heard the report. The static of the radio had made him focus and the announcement that followed made him panic.

It was a 10-13. An officer down. It was the one call that no other officers ever wanted to hear. And for Nick, with this call, it was about someone he never wanted involved in a call that said there was an officer down. After they repeated the code three times, the address that followed hit Nick like he had been punched in the chest. He felt like he couldn't breathe.

His first reaction was to turn the car around and head in the direction of his former partner and now commanding officer's apartment. After putting his siren on and moving through traffic, the drive was only ten minutes at most, but for Detective Amaro it felt much longer than that. He couldn't get to Olivia's aid fast enough.

The scene outside her apartment was a mess of police officers and flashing lights. As soon as he got out of the car, Amanda came running up to him from her own car she had shared with Fin for the ride to Olivia's apartment.

"Have you heard anything?" Nick asked his fellow detectives.

"Nothing. They called us at the precinct when they found out it was Olivia, but we haven't heard anything else." Fin sounded just as worried as Nick felt. They had done this before with Liv, too many times.

But Nick wasn't going to wait at the side lines. He quickly grabbed his Kevlar vest from the back of his unmarked car and ran into the crowd of officers.

"Woah! Where are you going?" A uniformed officer stepped in front of Nick before he could get through the door.

Nick pulled his badge out and flashed it in the officer's face. "That's my partner up there. I'm going in."

Olivia could hear the sirens surrounding her building. But she was stuck. The cuffs were keeping her in her place on the bed, just as Sutton had hoped, and there was no way she was getting out of their hold anytime soon.

And she could still hear nothing coming from her living room, which made her assume the worst and the best. Sutton being killed was something she could have only hoped for. Brian being seriously injured, or worse, was not something she wanted to even think about. But she had to stop herself from getting her hopes up with Sutton and had to stop thinking that Brian may not be in a condition she wanted to know about.

Olivia's thoughts were soon torn from the men in her living room and brought back to her own situation, as a sharp pain struck her abdomen.

"Ahh." She gave a small cry as another pain ran through her body.

Her breathe became heavy as she tried to handle the pain and the fear that she now felt. Her child might be all she had left and the last thing she was ready for was for them to be gone, too.

And she was torn away from her own problems again, when she heard the sound of voices from outside the apartment. They were soon followed by the sound of splintering wood as her front door came crashing down.

The voices became louder and she could make out one voice in particular. It was Nick's.

"Ni… ahh." She tried to get his attention when she felt another pain rip through her.

"Nick." Olivia tried again, but her voice was quieter than she had hoped and she knew there was no way Nick heard her. But he didn't have to hear her to know that she was somewhere in the apartment. The door to her bedroom opened within what felt like seconds and Nick stood in the door way for s split second, before he raced to her side.

"Liv." He said to her, though he soon registered the cuffs that were binding her wrists and took out his own handcuff key.

While he unlocked her arms, Olivia felt another pain, worse than any of the ones she had. "AHH." A scream escaped her mouth through her gritted teeth.

"Liv, what is it? Did I hurt you?" But Nick realized quickly that he hadn't done anything.

His gaze moved down Liv's body, as he looked for what had caused the pain that made his CO cry out in pain. With her shirt ripped off and her upper body exposed, it didn't take a medical degree for him to identify what was causing her extreme discomfort.

"Oh, Liv." He said to her, the realization of her situation playing across his face in a worried and confused expression. "I need the paramedics in here now!" He screamed towards the door.

A man and woman came through the door hurriedly, both of them in Navy blue uniforms and holding cases filled with medical supplies.

The woman approached Olivia where she laid on the bed. She noticed right away why they were needed. "Ma'am, how far along are you?"

"Eigh… Eighteen weeks." Olivia replied, still short of breathe.

"Have you had any complications before now?" The female paramedic asked her.

"Umm… no." Olivia answered.

"Okay, my partner is going to check your blood pressure and we're going to get you on the gurney." The woman moved out of the way of the other paramedic.

As he took her blood pressure, Olivia asked for the answer she had been waiting for. "What happened to Brian and Sutton?"

"They're both being taken to the hospital right now, Ma'am." The paramedic answered her.

"Are they okay? What happened to them?" Olivia started to panic.

"They were both shot." Nick told her this time, as he had seen the two men in the living room before he found Olivia.

"Sh… shot." Olivia's breathing picked up and it became faster and shallower.

"Ma'am we need you to try and stay calm, okay?" The female paramedic had come back with the gurney and was now placing an oxygen mask over Olivia's face. "We need to get her out of here quick." The last comment directed towards her partner.

Between both paramedics and the help of Nick they were fast to get Olivia onto the gurney; they laid a blanket over her to cover her up from the cold and left the apartment.

Olivia couldn't help but notice the blood stains that were spread out on her living room carpet as they wheeled her towards the broken front door. A look of horror flashed across her face as she thought about the two bodies, one of a man she had loved and the other of a man she would love to see gone. But the paramedics were moving too fast for her to take any time to inspect the room and she was soon left with only an image filled with bright red blood in her head as they entered the elevator across the hall from her apartment.

Nick followed closely as the paramedics went down the elevator and headed out the building. Amanda and Fin were waiting by the door, hoping to see Liv come out unharmed. But when they saw her on the stretcher, her face bruised from where Sutton had smashed the gun against her and the obvious discomfort she felt showing through her expression, they knew it wasn't looking good.

Amanda reached for Nick as he rushed by. He turned around to see them standing behind him. "How is she?"

"Did either of you know she was pregnant?" Nick looked between his colleagues as they shared a confused glance.

"Olivia, as in Sergeant Benson, is pregnant?" Fin questioned.

"Yeah." Nick answered him, but turned around to see Olivia getting loaded into the ambulance. "Look I need to go with her. They're worried about the baby and I don't want her to be alone. Just meet us at the hospital."

Nick darted through the crowd and made it just before they shut the doors of the ambulance. He took a seat next to Olivia on the metal edge that was around the whole perimeter of the back of the ambulance.

"How are you feeling?" Nick asked Olivia.

The paramedics had taken off the oxygen mask, but Olivia still couldn't respond as she felt the same pain that had been running through her body for the last half an hour. Instead she just gripped Nick's hand where it sat on the edge of the gurney.

"Hey, it's going to be okay." Nick could sense Olivia's worry and discomfort.

Olivia let out a shaky breathe. "What if something happens?"

Nick opened his mouth to respond to her, but he honestly didn't know what to say to her. He wasn't sure if she was referring to the baby or Brian or both. And Nick knew that no matter what he said the same pain-staking look would be on Olivia' s face until she heard for sure that both Brian and the baby were fine.

So he answered the best he could without giving her false hope. "No matter what happens, I will be here for you. So will Amanda and Fin, you're going to get through this."

_***Reviews please! Waiting to update until I have reviews.* **_


	6. Chapter 6

The ambulance ride was tense and emotional to say the least. Nick could feel Olivia's worries and pain radiating from her and his own tension was high as he worried about her and what might happen to Brian. But, the paramedics were quick to get Liv with a doctor and into her own room as soon as they got into the ER, distracting Nick from anything but Liv.

Olivia starred at the white sheets of the hospital bed. The room was so sterile and colorless that it made her uncomfortable. She was wringing her hands together, unable to stop moving with her nerves on high alert. All of her thoughts were torn between her unborn child and their father. Brian had come to see her, had come to her apartment, and now he was fighting for his life because of another sick, bastard SVU had attracted.

But her thoughts were interrupted. It was a young doctor who entered the room in a hurry. "Hi, I'm Dr. Hansen." He introduced himself to Olivia, who was paying no attention to the young man as she was more preoccupied with other things.

"I know we're waiting on an OB to come check on you, but for right now I'm going to check some other things and get your IV started."

Olivia nodded in reply, not in a mood to talk.

The doctor worked fast and silently after that, sensing that anything he had to say was not welcome.

Less than twenty minutes after they arrived and after the ER doctor had left, the OB walked in. And Nick, who was still in the room with Olivia, saw her relax slightly at the familiar face.

"Okay, Olivia. Let's see what's going on with this baby." The doctor was the OB Olivia was seeing for her pregnancy. Dr. Dawson had just happened to be in the hospital for another patient's delivery, when she heard they needed an OB in the ER and that the patient was one of her own.

"Are you still cramping?" Dr. Dawson asked her patient.

"No." Olivia answered her. "I haven't felt any since we got here." This was true, as soon as they had reached the room they seemed to stop. The pain subsided, but Olivia was still worried about what had been the cause and if any damage had been done.

"That's good. That's very good." Dr. Dawson put on a pair of rubber gloves. "I'm going to examine you and get the ultrasound tech down here."

Nick watched Olivia turn to him, a look of embarrassment on her face, not wanting her partner in the room while she was examined. And Nick felt the same awkwardness. "I'm going to leave so that you can continue. I'll be in the waiting room if you need me, Liv."

She made eye contact with him and gave him a small, quick nod. She was grateful he had been there for her, but she just wanted to be alone. He didn't need to hold her hand.

The exam seemed to last forever as Olivia was poked and prodded by her doctor. But the doctor had to do her job and Olivia just had to get through it. After finishing her own exam, Dr. Dawson stayed in the room while the ultrasound tech did her job. Olivia waited silently for both women to decide what was wrong. But it seemed that neither found anything out of the ordinary.

The tech left with her equipment and Dr. Dawson waited for her to get out the door, so she could talk to Olivia.

"My exam and your ultrasound show that everything is okay. I think the stress of all that happened was the cause. I'm going to get you something now for your blood pressure. But I would like to keep you for observation overnight." Dr. Dawson explained. "I think it would be best if you could try and get some rest now, though."

"Thank you." Olivia told her, relieved that the baby was fine, but it still didn't calm her feelings about Brian.

But her exhaustion hit her and she realized just how tired she actually was. Even her worries and concerns couldn't stop her from falling asleep only minutes after the doctor had left the room.

The next couple of hours passed slowly for the squad. Nick had returned to Liv's room, where he sat in a chair next to her bed while she got some much needed sleep. Fin and Amanda had stayed in the waiting room, so they would be there if they heard anything about Brian or Sutton, which they did after almost three hours.

They had already been told that the only bullet that had hit Sutton had been a through and through. He had only gone into surgery because the doctor wanted to stop the bleeding, remove the bullet, and close the wound. So they knew the disgusting asshole would be fine. Brian, however, hadn't been so lucky. He had taken a bullet to the chest and one to the abdomen, there had been a lot of bleeding and the doctors were struggling to control it. Fin and Amanda knew it wasn't looking good, but they couldn't lose hope for Olivia or think that the father of her child wouldn't pull through.

The doctor came to the waiting room after the nurse told him they were the ones to speak to about Brian Cassidy. Fin had gotten up from his seat and met the young doctor half-way. Amanda watched as the doctor spoke to Fin. His back was to her and all she could see was the stoic face of the doctor, which wasn't giving Amanda even an inkling of what he was saying to her partner.

But when they finally stopped talking and Fin turned around to look at Amanda, he didn't need to tell her what he had just been told.

It took a while before either of them spoke. They didn't know what to say to each other or what to say at all about anything that had just happened. They had been at the precinct earlier that evening, they were ready to go home and finally have a night off. The last thing either of them expected was to have to be sitting in a hospital, unable to speak because what was happening was so unthinkable.

After what seemed like hours of silence between them Amanda spoke. "Do you want me to go in there?" Amanda offered.

"No." Fin said. "I worked with both of them; I should be the one to tell Olivia."

Amanda nodded, knowing the relationship history he had with Brian and Olivia. But she knew that it would be the hardest thing Fin would ever have to do.

Fin shuffled his feet down the hallway, going as slow as he possibly could. The task at hand was one he certainly didn't want to carry out, but he had no choice. It would be that much worse if someone else was to get to Olivia first. She deserved at least a familiar face with her horrific news.

He opened the door to the nurse and Nick helping Olivia out of bed. While the nurse stayed focused, both Nick and Olivia immediately turned their attention to Fin. Nick saw it right away, exactly what he had been hoping not to see. Fin's face was heavy with grief and he knew just what that meant.

Olivia, of course saw it too. Her eyes widened in horror as the realization hit her. Nick, who was holding her up could feel her body begin to tremble.

"No…" Her voice came out quivering and filled with disbelief.

Fin sighed, feeling like the worst person alive having to deliver the news to his sergeant. "Brian didn't make it Liv…"

The tears were falling down her face now. "No, please…"

"I'm so sorry, Liv…" But Fin knew that no matter how many times he apologized to her, she would never forgive what happened.

"No!" Olivia screamed as the news sunk in. "No!"

Fin was stunned. He had spent fifteen years with Olivia at SVU. She was the toughest person he had ever met and now he was watching her fall apart at the seams.

"He can't be gone. He can't be!" Olivia cried out to no one but herself.

Nick watched as his partner and commanding officer finally broke. Her tears became sobs that racked her body and made her shake with anger and sadness. Her body collapsed underneath her, as the weight of the world seemed to crash down on her. The weight of loneliness, sorrow, and most of all not getting to say good bye to the one person she truly loved. Nick caught her just before her body hit the ground.

Pulling her up, he held onto her so he could support her weight. And he could feel Olivia's body fall into his, as she mourned her loss. The sobs that shook her body, vibrated against him. He was helpless, there was nothing he could do, but keep her from falling further than she already had.


	7. Chapter 7

The walls of the apartment surrounded her with memories. There first kiss in their new home. The bed they slept in together every night for nearly a year. The bathroom that had smelled of his cologne every morning after he left for work. The couch where they had spent countless late nights cuddled up with each other pretending to watch some pointless movie, when really they could only focus on one and other. The kitchen table, where she broke the news of their impending parenthood over a dinner from Chinese take-out containers. And of course, the blood stained carpet holding the very last time they would be in the same home, the very last time one of them would take a breath in the presence of the other. There was no escape from everything they had done together in the small space. Every square inch of the apartment held a moment shared between them. She felt like she needed to scrub the house clean with bleach to clear out all the memories, to make her forget the horror that had played out in their home.

Their home.

It would always be their home.

Olivia sat on the edge of their bed, the haunting images and scenes playing through her head like a sad song on repeat. She needed to get ready. She needed to be there, not matter how much she despised the idea and wished to do nothing more than spend another day under the covers of their bed, in one of his old, oversized t-shirts protecting her from ever forgetting what he meant to her. But she knew that wasn't an option.

But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't pick herself, get to her feet, or force herself to be ready for an event that she would only be more depressing than any of the other days since that day.

That day.

That day would always be the worst of her life, the most traumatic.

She thought she had dealt with it all after her undercover operation at Sealview, after Elliot left her without a partner, and after Lewis had done everything that was so unthinkably horrible to her. But no. There was always something worse, wasn't there? Why should she get to finally have a small, simple happily ever after? The world obviously thought she wasn't deserving and that she would probably never be.

Never.

There were so many things that would never happen again.

He would never walk through the door after a long day and smile at her because he was happy to see her waiting for his return. He would never hold his strong arms around her and pull her close after she had a nightmare that left her breathless and shaking. He would never stand behind her and plant small kisses along her neck and shoulders while she attempted to make dinner, distracting her with his soft touch. He would never walk through the apartment door, again. He would never lie on his side of the bed ever again. He would never look into her eyes again. He would never take another breath. And she would never get the chance to say goodbye.

Goodbye.

A soft tap on her bedroom door broke her from her thoughts, the only thing she had left of Brian, but she didn't move, didn't even turn to look at the door.

She knew it was Nick wondering if she was getting any closer to being ready or if she needed any help or if there was anything he could possibly do to console her broken heart. But there was nothing anybody could do. Nick had been there for her and she knew she should have been more appreciative, but she just wanted to be alone, to take her own time dealing with the personal tragedy.

"Liv?" Nick's voice sounded through the door.

But she still didn't reply. Instead she finally got up from the bed and moved to the bathroom. She couldn't avoid getting ready any longer and she wanted to look at least half-way decent, so everyone didn't have to know how much she was struggling to handle the tragedy.

An hour later, Olivia emerged from her room, make up on, hair done, dressed, and still not ready to leave. Nothing would ever make her ready to go, so instead she had to force herself because she knew how horrible it would look if she didn't show up.

Nick looked up from where he sat on a chair in the living room. "You, okay?"

"Fine." Olivia said brusquely. "Let's go."

With a nod, Nick didn't say anything else in the apartment or during the whole ride to the memorial service. He knew he would get only one word responses, if he got any response at all. But he understood. It had only been a week since the shooting and she was in a fragile state; she wasn't a woman you could push, she would only talk when she was ready. And even though Nick knew how strong she was, he wasn't sure that she could handle this.

When they finally arrived, both Liv and Nick were happy to get out of the car and escape the awkward silence.

Fin, Amanda, Munch, and even Cragen, who had been called by both Nick and Fin because they knew Olivia would need him, met the pair at the car. But Liv said nothing to any of them. She walked next to them as they entered the building, but she had nothing to say and she was too close to having a break down at just the thought of Brian that she couldn't talk about him out loud.

As soon as they entered, the sea of black began to suffocate her. The depressed color made her feel like she couldn't breathe. Everyone was there to remember the man she loved and they shouldn't be. No one should be celebrating his life. No one should need to.

And that was the only thought going through Olivia's head as she sat through the worst hour and fifteen minutes of her life. Listening to all of his friends speak of his accomplishments as an officer and what a great man he would always be remembered as. Then his sister spoke, with tears welling up in her eyes and the obvious lump in her throat making it hard for her to speak, but she still found a way to tell everyone just how "incredible" and "caring" her brother had been. His mom spoke last and then Olivia almost lost it. She had been the one person who had reached out to Liv in the last week; she was just as heart broken, if not more heart broken then Olivia was. And the sadness she felt was evident in every word she spoke about what a wonderful son Brian had been and how selfless he was and finally, the worst part for Liv, what a great father he would have been.

"Would have been" because he was never going to get to meet his son or daughter.

With the speaking finally ending the service, Olivia was the first to get up and leave. She couldn't sit in there, waiting for everyone to come see her and give her their condolences. Even though she knew it was probably rude that she couldn't look anyone in the eye or listen to people tell her how much they would miss him, she couldn't stop herself from leaving.

Cragen followed her immediately outside. It was chilly, but he found her sitting on the steps in front, her head in her hands. He went to her and sat down next to her, but he said nothing. He didn't need to; he just knew that she didn't need to be alone.

But Liv shocked him by talking first. "I need to go say good bye to Evelyn." Brian's mom. "But then will you take me home, please?"

"Of course." Cragen would do just about anything she asked for. He wanted nothing more than to be there for her.

After what was the hardest encounter Olivia and ever had with Brian's mom, she was back in the car, this time with Cragen. But it was less awkward with Cragen; something about sitting with the older man she had known for fourteen years was comfortable.

Comfortable enough that she finally talked about it. "Do you think it's ever going to get better?"

Cragen sighed as he pulled into the parking spot in front of Liv's building. "I know right now it doesn't seem like anything will ever be better. But it will get easier, it'll get better."

"I just… I wish I could have said goodbye." And the tears she had held back all day were finally falling down Liv's cheeks.

**_*Reviews, please!*_**


	8. Chapter 8

She was doing this alone and it was finally hitting her, while she sat in that waiting room staring at all the happy couples. They all seemed so in love and ready to welcome their additions to the world and she felt like she wanted to tear her own heart out so the pain would stop and she had never felt so unsure about the new life she was bringing into the world.

"Olivia Benson." The sound of her name being called from the door that led to a place she had no desire to be, broke her from her intent study of all the other men and women.

The nurse weighed her, before moving her into one of the small exam rooms. There she took her blood pressure and updated her charts before reciting the usual the-doctor-will-be-with-you-shortly bit as she exited the room.

Olivia's eyes darted around the room as she remembered the first time she had been sitting in one of these very rooms.

_ Brian had gotten off work early, somehow. With Tucker they were never sure what he would be allowed to do, but the IAB headmaster had been kind enough to let Brian go in time for their child's first appointment. _

_It was the first time they were seeing the OB and they were both still nervous about everything. It had only been a week since Liv had read the plus sign off the plastic stick; they hadn't talked about it much and she wasn't sure where they stood. But they knew it was all unavoidable. _

_ The doctor had sensed the nerves in the room as soon as she entered, seeing both parents avoiding eye contact with each other and both fidgeting in some way or another. _

_ "I'm Dr. Dawson." The woman, who was in her mid-40's, shook the parents' hands. _

_ After what seemed like a million questions and hearing about all the concerns that came with a high risk pregnancy, the category Liv fell in, the doctor finally got to the more interesting part of the appointment. _

_ "So, because you're still so early in your pregnancy, we have to do a transvaginal ultrasound. It might be a little uncomfortable, but it'll give us the best picture of the baby and hopefully we'll hear the heartbeat." _

_ And hear the heartbeat they did. The swooshing sound filled the silent room as Dr. Dawson performed the ultrasound. Neither Brian nor Olivia knew what the noise was at first until, but when it finally hit them, it hit them hard. _

_ Olivia's gasp was loud and emotion filled. And Brian couldn't help but smile at his girlfriend. That was their baby. _

_ And in that moment, they both knew they accepted the idea of being parents and they were ready for it. _

But now here sat Liv, alone and scared, not sure if she was ever going to feel ready again to be a mom. It had been worrisome enough when she knew she had Brian as a support system and now there was no support, not even from herself.

And the feeling of despair and uncertainty only became worse when she saw the blurry black and white image of her son or daughter appear on the screen while Dr. Dawson did her ultrasound.

The older woman had made note right away of Olivia being alone for her appointment, but she hadn't said anything and continued on. Everything had appeared to be fine with the baby, even after the scare they had only a couple of weeks before. And the ultrasound picture showed the perfectly healthy baby. But there was something else she had to bring up at this particular appointment.

"I don't know what you want to do." Dr. Dawson prefaced. "But if you want we can find out the gender today."

Olivia opened her mouth to answer, but soon closed it. She had been adamant about knowing the sex of the baby from the beginning of her pregnancy; however, Brian had wanted to keep it a surprise. And now while she thought of an answer to her doctor's question, she could only think of Brian telling her that _"there are so few surprises left in life, why not take advantage of this one?"_ The line played over and over in her head and that was her answer.

"No thank you."

"Okay, you can always change your mind if you want to." Dr. Dawson gave her a small smile.

There wasn't much said after that. Olivia's thoughts were back to Brian and she couldn't focus on anything that Dr. Dawson was telling her. She just wanted to get out of the office.

But when she got back to the precinct twenty minutes after her appointment had ended, she didn't want to be there either. Liv knew that Amanda, Fin, and Nick were watching her like hawks. She couldn't make a movement without one of them asking if she was okay or if they could do anything to help.

And her entrance into the squad room that afternoon was no different.

Though, this time instead of it being Nick following her right into her office, it was Amanda and Fin, together that came in after her.

Olivia stepped behind her desk and lifted her head to make eye contact with both of them, as they awkwardly stood in front of her. "Do you guys really feel the need to babysit me all the time?"

"Sorry." Fin said. "We just wanted to make sure everything was okay after your appointment today."

"Everything is fine." Olivia cut the conversation short. She knew that they all meant well, but the last thing she needed was to be watched like a child. There was nothing anyone could do; she just needed time to handle it as she felt necessary. It was worse for her to have everyone watching her, it was like after Lewis. All anyone could do was wait for her to go off the deep-end, although, that's the last thing Olivia would have done, but she still felt like no was trusting of her ability to handle a tragic situation. Her whole life had been a tragic situation, at this point she was an expert at bouncing back and this time, with her child involved, she had no choice but to get back to normalcy.

"Just making sure." Fin told her and headed for the door, leaving the office, knowing that he was not welcomed.

But Amanda didn't follow him. She should have, she knew that, but she just felt like she had to tell Liv something.

Olivia had turned her eyes towards the messages that sat on her desk, but she looked up again when she noticed that Amanda hadn't moved from her spot in front of the desk. "Did you need something else Amanda?"

Amanda looked her in the eyes before she spoke. "You know, I keep telling the guys they need to leave you alone. You're going to get through this just fine."

Olivia cocked her head to the side slightly, taken aback by Amanda's words. "What makes you say that?"

"You get through everything, Liv." Amanda told her. She knew that it seemed rather presumptuous telling her boss that she would be fine because nothing ever got her down, but she knew it was the truth and the last thing Olivia needed to hear again was some sympathy filled apology. What she needed was for someone to stop pitying her, just as Amanda was doing.

Liv almost chuckled at the younger detective's statement. "I just don't know if that's true this time."

Both women knew that they were treading lightly around one and other. Olivia knew Amanda wanted to help, but she didn't really want to hear someone else tell her it would be fine. And Amanda knew that Olivia still wasn't sure about her or some of her previous actions.

"Look you've been through more shit than anybody goes through in a lifetime and somehow you're still sitting in this office, ready to help victims. And I know this was probably the last straw for you and I also know you don't deserve it. But you're going to be fine." Amanda said.

Amanda headed towards the door, but made a quick turn-around to say one last thing. "And Liv, really, if you need anything, just ask."

"When you can change what happened, when you can make it so that sick bastard died and the father of my child was able to come out of the hospital alive, when you can give my baby the chance to meet their father, I'll ask for help." Liv's voice broke as she spit the last words out.

"If I could… I would, sergeant." Amanda said before leaving.


	9. Chapter 9

"I finally feel like things are going to get back to normal." Olivia admitted to her therapist, Dr. Lindstrom, while she sat across from him in his plush office.

Olivia had started to see Dr. Lindstrom less and less as she got further out from the trial and everything with Lewis. But then everything with Brian happened; she knew that she needed the support of a professional again in order to get through it all. And she felt comfortable with Dr. Lindstrom, he knew what she needed and helped her more than she ever thought a shrink could.

"That's good, Olivia." Dr. Lindstrom. "But you said they're still getting there, what else do you need to happen for you to be completely back to normal?"

Liv sighed and gave thought to her answer, before replying. "I think I need this whole case to be over. It's like with Lewis, I need some closure and the justice system doing its job is my idea of closure. Although, I'm not sure that's going to happen very easily."

"What have you heard about the trial?" The therapist asked his patient.

"Not much yet." Olivia answered him honestly. She had already explained to Dr. Lindstrom what had happened with the charges Jack Sutton was facing.

The sick man, who was so much like Lewis it sent a chill down Liv's spine to just think about, had acted just as his predecessor. He was able to get himself separate trials in the jurisdictions where he committed the crimes. While it was the one-six that had worked the case, not all the crimes happened in Manhattan and he used it as an upper hand when it came time for his trial. So now the Manhattan trial would take place last, leaving Olivia waiting and worrying for who knows how long until she heard the results of the other trials.

Liv continued. "We should hear soon. The jury from the first case was deliberating yesterday afternoon, but as of this morning there was no decision made yet."

"Does it worry you that it's taking this long?"

And as much as Olivia hated to admit it, of course it worried her; she could even say it terrified her. She knew what Lewis had been capable of, not just when he was alone with a woman, but also when it came to the New York court system. The last thing she wanted or needed on top of all the other horrible happening in the recent weeks was for another sadistic, disgusting man to get himself off and free from prosecution. Liv honestly didn't know that she would be able to handle it if it happened; what more could she be put through?

But just when she had some hope left, she entered the squad room that afternoon after seeing Dr. Lindstrom and she could tell something was off.

Typically everyone was at their own desk, in their own space, but today they were gathered around, huddled near Fin's desk. Nick, Amanda, and Barba, all stood around while Fin sat central in the conversation they were all having with each other.

Olivia knew right away why Barba was there. "They came to a decision?"

Everyone turned to look at Liv as she walked towards them. They had been so preoccupied that no one noticed her enter the squad room.

Barba spoke to her first. "Yes. They did, about an hour ago."

"Is someone going to tell me what it is then?" Liv asked, although she wasn't sure she actually wanted an answer.

"Uhh… Why don't we go into your office and discuss it?" Barba suggested, heading towards Olivia's office door before he could get a response.

Liv followed him, throwing a glance at her detectives on her way in, but they all had on their most stoic expressions and she could read nothing from them.

Once they were both in the office, Barba shut the door. "Maybe you should take a seat?"

Olivia knew what he meant by that. He was apprehensive about giving the on edge, pregnant sergeant the bad news he knew he could not avoid. And Liv saw that; Barba wasn't a cop, trained to show nothing, and although he usually kept his emotions in check, he wasn't quite able to hide the defeat.

"Please just tell me." Olivia told him.

Barba let out a sigh and took another deep breath before giving her an answer. "Sutton's lawyer brought up whatever inconsistencies she could possibly make up and it seemed to have been enough to create some reasonable doubt with the jurors."

"So…" Olivia wasn't ready for the next words out of Barba's mouth.

"They didn't convict." He finally admitted to her. "He got off."

Liv's face dropped and a look of pure disbelief washed over her features. She wanted to cry and scream all at the same time. How was this all happening again? Sutton was not innocent and now here he was violating Olivia and the rest of his victims again.

"Olivia, I know this is hard…" Rafael tried.

But Olivia cut him off quickly. "Is there really any point to any of this? Why are we trying so hard to put this guy away, when we know that he's going to be another William Lewis and get himself off?"

Rafael Barba was at a loss for words. He wanted nothing more than to tell Olivia that he would do his job and that it would all be worth it when Sutton was sitting in jail charged with the maximum of twenty five years to life, but he didn't know if he could do that. He had been on the case with Olivia and the other detectives since the beginning of the Lewis tragedy and he knew how that turned out, he couldn't promise the sergeant, who was too smart to believe him, that everything would turn out like it should. Sometimes the justice system failed, even for the people who held it together.

"Olivia, you have to know that I will do everything in my power to put this guy in the place he belongs for a very long time." He tried to reassure her.

"I just… I don't…" Olivia couldn't even form a sentence. Her emotions were all over the place.

She had done it before. She had done it all before with Lewis and she never wanted to go through it again with the same outcome. She'd been put through it all before and nothing good came out of it. She just didn't know if she could keep herself together long enough to get through the trial and testify.

They stood for a while in silence, but Barba watched Olivia's demeanor changed. The color drained from her face and she looked clammy.

Barba walked up to her, placing a hand on her shoulder, while he looked into her eyes. "Olivia, are you feeling okay?"

She took a few quick, short breaths, before she responded. "I'm going to be sick."

And with those words, she rushed out of her office and through the squad room, past her detective who watched her worriedly. She slammed through the bathroom door and barely made it to the first stall, before she lost the little bit of breakfast she had eaten that morning.

With her stomach empty and her breath short and weak, Liv leaned her body against the cold metal of the stall, trying to calm herself down. She tried to take a few deep breaths, but they were shaky and didn't help her much. And soon instead of improving her breathing, it just became worse as she began to sob, the emotions she had tried so hard to hide, no longer in check.

And then she felt it, a small jab to her abdomen, a kick from her son or daughter. Her hand instantly moved to the spot. "I'm so sorry." Olivia apologized to her unborn baby.

At this point, Olivia felt like her child was all she had left and she knew that she had to keep herself together for the tiny, human being that she would be responsible for, but even that seemed hard. She felt so guilty for bringing an innocent being into a situation that seemed so desperate.

It was hard to be alone, it was hard to be violated by someone when she had already been through so much, and it was hard to hold on to any hope when she knew that the justice system she trusted had failed her again. And Olivia just wasn't sure what she was going to do. She knew that her child needed her, but to hold herself together any longer when everything seemed to be falling apart, felt like it might be impossible.


	10. Chapter 10

The light in her eyes was dimmed. The attack she always had against every perpetrator was as weak as ever. The love for her job was obviously not as strong as it had been for years. She just wasn't the Olivia they all knew. And now they were worried about whether or not they were going to get her back.

Nick, Fin, and Amanda had watched as another six weeks of dealing with the wrongful verdict, waiting for the results of another trial, and working on their own trial affected Liv more and more. She was cold and removed; she was spending all of her time in her office, working at least twelve hours a day, in hopes of avoiding having to go home to an empty apartment that only reminded her of everything that had gone wrong. It was obvious to the squad that she wasn't getting much, if any, sleep and they hadn't seen her take any more than three bites of food in at least a week.

But they felt powerless. The squad knew they couldn't change the verdict, they couldn't force Olivia to go home after an eight hour day because she was their boss, not the other way around, and they couldn't force feed her. They simply had to hope that something would go right or something would resonate with Liv and she would take a turn for the better.

"Guys, I'm tired of looking at all of this." Amanda spoke up as the she, Fin, and Nick were staring at cold cases looking for connections to their most recent case. "I'm going for something to eat."

"Hey, pick me up a sandwich, please." Fin said as Amanda put her coat on and grabbed her car keys.

"Would you mind picking one up for me, too?" Nick asked.

"Copy that." Amanda responded as she headed the opposite way of the exit and instead towards her sergeants office.

"You're really going to try that, again?" Fin asked his partner. He knew they had all tried and failed multiple times to get their commanding officer out of the precinct and take care of not only herself, but also the child she was carrying.

Amanda sighed, knowing Fin was probably right. "I'm just hoping that maybe one day she'll change her mind. She needs to get out of this place."

"That's your choice. But don't expect anything." Nick warned her; being the one that tried to help Liv the most, he was well aware of how she reacted to the harassment of her detectives.

Even though she knew it was more than likely pointless, Amanda still turned the knob and pushed open the office door. And she saw exactly what she had expected: Olivia slumped over her desk, laptop open, and her eyes scanning a case file or some kind of paperwork.

Liv looked up at her with tired eyes. "Do you need something, Amanda?"

"Umm…" Amanda took a second to question whether or not she actually wanted to ask her sergeant, but she was already standing in the office, she couldn't stop now. "I'm going to get some lunch before we have to meet Barba, I just wanted to see if there was anything I could get for you?"

Olivia took a moment to answer. She had just been thinking to herself that she needed to get something to eat. At her doctor's appointment a couple of days earlier, Dr. Dawson had been concerned with Liv's lack of weight gain and her blood sugar levels were low, something the OB/GYN had been worried about. It had hit Olivia then that she really needed to be more careful about what she was doing. Usually it was only herself she had to worry about, but this time she had to worry about the baby.

"Would you mind if I come with you?" The sergeant finally answered.

Amanda was taken aback by the response. The last thing she had expected was her commanding officer even wanting to eat, let alone leave her office ad join her.

"Of course." Amanda answered.

The two women exited the office minutes later. They had their coats on, Liv with her purse and Amanda with her car keys, and all the while Fin and Nick stared, shocked by what they saw. However, neither women paid any attention and soon they were out of the squad room, exiting the building down the elevator.

The moment they both closed their cars doors and buckled their seat belts, they could feel the silence already eating at them. There had been so few words exchanged with anyone and Olivia recently, so Amanda wasn't sure if she should say anything or avoid conversation.

But Rollins hated the silence, so she spoke up as she came to the first red light. "I was just going to head to the deli on the corner of twelfth near Barba's office, is that okay?"

"Yeah that's fine." Liv answered, but kept her gaze forward, not looking at the young detective.

A couple of minutes passed before Amanda tried to strike up some more conversation. "So, I never asked. Did you find out what you're having?" The blonde figured that if she could get Liv to talk about anything, the baby was probably her best bet.

"No." Olivia said at first.

"Oh." Was all Amanda replied.

"I wanted to find out, by Brian didn't want to know, so I decided that I wouldn't." Liv finished.

"Well maybe the surprise will be nice." Amanda suggested.

Olivia let out a soft chuckle. "You sound like Brian; he swore that the surprise would be worth it." It felt weird for her to speak about him, but it was the first time that saying his name didn't make her upset.

"I just figure there aren't many surprises in adulthood, might as well take advantage." Amanda continued. "It's something to look forward to."

"Yeah. I guess I'm excited to find out." Olivia looked down at her hand resting on her baby bump, which was now quite large, and she thought about how close she was to holding the tiny human inside.

"That's good. I'm glad you have something to be happy about." Amanda pulled into a parking spot and looked over at Liv. "And God knows you deserve a little happiness."

Liv looked at the younger woman and gave her a small nod in agreement.

There wasn't a lot said after that between the two women. They picked up their food and left for their meeting with Barba, keeping to themselves for the remainder of their time alone together.

When they walked into the ADA's office, Nick and Fin were already sitting with Barba, discussing something unrelated to the case. Amanda dropped the bag with their food in it on the table and pulled out her own lunch and her sergeant's lunch, before sitting down and allowing the other two detectives and the attorney to get their food.

After a few minutes of eating, Barba spoke up. "So let's get started. Olivia, I want to go over your statement first."

With the trial quickly approaching, the team had met with Barba the day before and would be meeting with him for the next few days until they were sitting in the courtroom.

"Do we have to go over it again?" Liv asked, making everyone to turn to look at her.

"I know it's hard, but the trial is starting next week. We have to make sure that we know exactly what is going to be discussed and that you all know what you said in your statements." Barba said.

"There's no way I'm going to forget what happened that night." Olivia huffed. "I'm just tired of reliving all of these horrible times over and over again."

Other than when she answered Barba's trial questions, the team and Barba himself hadn't heard Liv say anything more than a few words. They didn't realize that Liv was so upset by the meetings with the ADA. They all figured that since it was just her own detectives and an attorney she had been working with for a while she was comfortable and okay running through the events over again.

Barba let out a deep breath. "I know this is hard for you…"

But he was cut off by Olivia before he could finish. "You have no idea. All of this is torture and what are we even doing it for? We all know that this guy is going to screw us all and walk."

This time Nick jumped in. "Liv, we can't give up now. We are all going to do our best to make sure that asshole rots in jail."

"We said that with Lewis too. I just don't know if I believe it anymore." The brunette, usually a power house and force to be reckoned with, seemed small and broken as she sat in front of them finally confessing to one of the many things that were weighing so heavily on her.

"Olivia do you trust me?" Barba asked her seriously.

Olivia paused for a second before answering him. "Of course I do."

"Then you need to trust me now. I know this is horrible and I know that we shouldn't have to do this again, but we are and we can't change that. I just need you to believe that we will finish this and that this man will be done for. We have to be on the same page here."

Rafael Barba was not a man of emotions or of many words when it wasn't necessary, but as he watched Olivia loose her faith in front of his eyes, he knew that he needed both of those things to get across to her.

"Look I know all of you are doing your best, but what if it just isn't good enough?" Liv asked seriously.

"Then we tried our hardest and we will all be here for you." Barba told her honestly. "But that's not going to happen and it won't be ending that way."

Olivia nodded in appreciation and to end the conversation. She knew that all of her team was doing everything they could for her at that moment, but she just wasn't sure if she could convince herself to walk into that courtroom next week with the assurance that all of it would finally be over.

_*** Just so you know, Olivia is about 32 weeks pregnant now, so we're getting pretty close to a baby and next will be the trial. Thanks for reading. Review please! ***_


	11. Chapter 11

"What did you find when you arrived on the scene?" The question was asked by ADA Rafael Barba as he questioned one of the police officers called to Olivia's apartment after the gunshots had been heard by neighbors.

The trial had started only a day before and so far Barba was confident in how it was going. He had already questioned one of the neighbors of Olivia, who testified that she had seen Sutton earlier that evening in the hallway near the apartment and that she heard the fight, as well as all three gunshots. Now he was talking to Officer Maze, who had gone into the apartment.

"We arrived maybe five minutes after the shots had been reported." The middle-aged officer answered. "There were already people on the sidewalk and we had to remove them, before myself and my partner, at the time, headed up the stairs."

"When you got to the floor of Sergeant Benson's apartment, what happened?" The attorney stood calmly behind the courtroom table.

"We found Sergeant Benson's neighbor, the one who reported the shots, outside her own apartment waiting for us to arrive. She said that she had heard fighting and things being knocked over in the apartment before hearing the gunshots. We figured there had been a struggle, but we also were unsure about whether or not there was someone armed and dangerous still in the apartment."

The ADA moved now, slowly making his way to the witness stand. "So is that why you waited before entering the apartment?"

"Yes it is." The officer was answering the questions easily and with confidence. "There were men already placing themselves on the rooftop across the street by now and we wanted to make sure they gave us the go ahead to enter safely."

"When you were given the permission to enter, was it still only you and your partner?"

"No. Now Sergeant Benson's partner, Nick Amaro had come up to the apartment as well. He told us that he had heard the report on the scanner and needed to know that his commanding officer was okay. We figured that since he knew the possible victim, it would be alright for him to enter with us." Maze said.

Barba moved away from the witness stand but stayed in the middle of the courtroom. "When you broke through the door of the apartment, what did the three of you find?"

Officer Maze sighed, a tactic Barba had taught him to show the jury just how horrible the scene was and its effect on him. "Both Jack Sutton and Officer Brian Cassidy lay on the living room floor. Officer Cassidy was unconscious and lying in a pool of his own blood. Sutton however, was conscious."

"Did Sutton say anything?"

"Yes he did." The officer paused before he said, "He said these bitches deserved what they got."

Barba returned to his table, simply nodding at the small victory he got from showing the jury how sadistic Sutton really was.

"After seeing the scene that was in the living room, where did you go?"

Nick Amaro looked out at the courtroom. The eyes of the trial audience bore into him; most of whom were there because everyone knew the story of Olivia's kidnapping and they all had to hear what would happen to her second kidnapper. The jury, also completely focused on him, all wore cold looks that read no emotion. He wasn't a fan of testifying, but for Liv he would do just about anything.

"I headed towards Sergeant Benson's bedroom." Nick answered.

"Why was that?" Barba questioned.

"I figured that if Sutton was still there, Sergeant Benson was still there. And typically the bedroom is the chosen place for a rapist to sequester his victims." Nick knew there was more truth than he liked to remember about the statement.

Barba turned from Nick and looked at the jury. "Now officer Amaro can you tell the jury what you found in the bedroom?"

"I found Sergeant Benson handcuffed to the bed post." Nick felt a chill go down his spine at the thought. "Her blouse had been ripped off of her and her pants were undone."

"And did she say anything or make any noise?"

Nick nodded in response. "Yes, she did. She was crying in pain."

Barba turned back and made eye contact with the detective. "Were you able to identify what was causing Sergeant Benson's pain?"

"Sergeant Benson had not yet disclosed to our squad about her personal event, but when I noticed, it was obvious that she was pregnant and complications from that were what caused her to be in pain." It felt weird to say that in front of everyone, the team themselves were still processing their boss' pregnancy.

After a long day in court, Nick returned with Barba to the precinct. Nick had a few things to finish up with a case they wrapped the day before and Barba wanted to check on Olivia. He had to make sure that she was ready to take the stand the next day.

But she wasn't there when the two men arrived. "Where is Olivia?"

"She went home." Amanda answered bluntly.

"I wanted to talk to her about tomorrow." Barba explained. "Maybe I can catch her at home tonight."

"I don't think that's a great idea." The female detective warned him.

"Is something wrong?" Nick now jumped into the conversation worried about his partner.

"Not particularly." Amada replied. "She's just obviously exhausted and she wasn't focused today because she's so stressed about the trial tomorrow."

"Maybe someone should go check on her." Barba suggested.

Stressed and exhausted she was when Olivia returned home after a ten hour day at the precinct.

Her back was aching, her feet so swollen she had to pry off her shoes, and she had been experiencing somewhat painful false contractions all day. And she hoped it would be worth when she was holding the baby in arms, but at that moment she would give anything to not be pregnant any longer.

Just as the sergeant was changing out of her uncomfortable work clothes and into a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt, there was a knock on her front door. With a heavy sigh, she walked, or waddled as she found that was a better description of her movement nowadays, to the door and opened it to find Rollins on the other side.

"Amanda, is something wrong?" Olivia asked the blonde detective taken aback by her sudden appearance.

"No, everything's fine." Amanda assured her.

Liv opened the door all the way and stepped to the side. "Here come in."

Amanda walked in and awkwardly stood behind Olivia as she closed the door and locked it. "I know you probably don't want to see me tonight."

"It's not that I don't want to see you, I'm just surprised is all." Liv moved slowly past where Amanda stood and lowered herself easily onto the couch. "Is there some particular reason you are here, though?"

"Umm… Yeah." Amanda finally sat down in the chair across from the couch.

"Are you going to tell me or do I have to guess? And please don't tell me it's anything bad, because I don't need any more of that." There had been enough bad news surrounding all of the events Olivia had gone through and anything more would have set her off.

"Oh, no. It's nothing bad." Rollins told her. "It's just that Barba stopped by after you left today, because he wanted to talk to you about tomorrow, but when I told him you had left him and Nick were all worried and said someone should check on you. And I volunteered so you wouldn't have to deal with either of them tonight."

"I appreciate that. The last thing I wanted to do tonight was have to consult with Barba some more. As it is I still have to go through the whole thing again tomorrow."

Olivia was referring to her testimony that she would have loved to avoid at all costs, but she knew she couldn't and Barba had been on her all week about being prepared. Too bad not much of anything could prepare a hormonal, pregnant women to testify about her attempted rape.

"Well hopefully after tomorrow it will all be over." Amanda knew the strain it was putting in her commanding officer. "And then you focus on more important things."

Olivia laid her hand on her stomach, knowing what more important things her detective was talking about. "I hope you're right."

"I know you're tired of hearing it, but I honestly think this is going to end how we want it. Barba said it went well today, the jury seems sympathetic and the defense has a pretty weak argument."

There was a pause as neither of the women said anything to each other. Although they had spent a little more time than normal together in recent weeks, the tension left over from other past happenings would still creep in now and then.

"You know it's getting late and I don't mean to kick you out or anything, I would just really like to get some sleep." In all actuality, Liv was sort of kicking Rollins out. As much as she knew the younger woman was trying to be helpful she didn't want to hear it tonight.

"Of course." Amanda got up from the chair and bee-lined for the door. "Have a good night sergeant."

"You too, Amanda."

With her guest gone, Olivia was quick to make her way into her bed. Although, sleep seemed impossible just as it had so many night before. Being so far along, she was noticing that there was absolutely no comfortable positons and her child liked to be the most playful late at night. However, tonight it wasn't a baby kicking or being uncomfortable; tonight it was the thought of having to sit in a crowded room tomorrow and testify that yet another man had violated her and killed someone she loved more than she could express and left her a single mother. The thought of having to explain her situation again, left her wide awake and upset to the point of tears.


	12. Chapter 12

_*** Wanted to update quickly because I'm excited about what's coming. Hope you guys enjoy! ***_

After only securing three hours of sleep, Olivia was woken up by the sound of her alarm blaring. She rolled over and hit the snooze button, not wanting to ever leave the comfort of her bed. But she knew that it wasn't an option, so instead she heaved herself out of bed and headed for the bathroom.

Nearly an hour after getting out of bed, Liv emerged from her bathroom, ready and needing to get dressed. She put on a simple black dress, grey blazer, and a pair of heels. She wasn't very fond of having to wear a dress, but most of her clothes didn't fit well anymore and she couldn't show up in yoga pants and over-sized sweater, as much as she wanted to.

Dressed and ready, pouring herself a cup of coffee, Olivia's quiet morning was interrupted, much like the night before, with a knock at the door. However, she was expecting it this time.

Liv waddled to the door and opened it to find the older gentleman standing there. "Let me get my purse and we can leave."

Donald Cragen nodded at his former sergeant and followed her into the apartment, closing the door behind him.

Cragen had seen Liv a few times since that day at Brian's funeral and when they had decided on a trial date he knew he would need to be there for that. She was doing her best to hide her worry and sadness, but the captain had known her too long to not be able to see that she needed some extra support. And he would do anything for the women he had known for over a decade. He was going to sit with her and be there for her in that courtroom.

Olivia appeared again, this time with a jacket and her purse slung over her right shoulder. "Alright, I guess we have to go."

"Yeah we do." Cragen ushered her out the door and walked out behind her. "How are you feeling?"

"I've been worse, but I've certainly been better." The typical evasive answer he had expected.

Once they got to the garage, Olivia handed Cragen the keys and got into the passenger seat. The man quickly started the car and pulled out of the garage, into the street. The ride was basically silent besides a few sentences, but Cragen felt Liv's tension and knew not to push her.

That same tension was what kept everyone silent in the courtroom right before Olivia testified. Just as Cragen had, the whole squad could cut the tension they were feeling with a knife. But they understood why Olivia was in the place she was and they certainly were going to be there for her whether she expressed her want for them or not.

Moments later Liv was sworn in and sitting on the witness stand, a whole room of familiar and unfamiliar eyes staring at her.

"Thank you for being her today Sergeant Benson, I know this is difficult." Barba started his questioning. "Can you first tell me how long you've been on the job, now?"

The questioning was at first simple. She told him how long she had worked as a cop and at SVU, how many cases she had handled, when the case of Jack Sutton had ended up at sex crimes, and how long they worked the case, the background information. Then, it became much tougher.

"When you entered your apartment that night, what did you find?"

"I unlocked my door and saw Jack Sutton staring at me, a gun in his hand pointed directly at me." Olivia exhaled deeply.

The ADA moved closer to the witness stand, he felt better being nearer to Olivia when he started asking more difficult questions. "What happened next?"

"Umm…" Liv paused. "Sutton grabbed me and dragged me into my bedroom. He threw me on the bed and ran his gun up and down my body."

"I know this is hard, but what did the defendant do next?"

"He… he undid the button and zipper of my pants. Then he unbutt… unbuttoned my shirt and tore it off."

"When the defendant did this what did he discover?" Barba could see the tears that were now welling up in the sergeant's eyes.

Liv took a deep, shaky breath. "He figured out that I was pre… pregnant. I was about eighteen weeks at that point and when I was no longer wearing a shirt, he could see it obviously."

"After he held you for nearly three hours, there was knock at your door who was it?" Barba asked.

"It was my boyfriend, Officer Brian Cassidy."

Olivia never told Barba or her squad that just a few weeks before they had broken up. She had decided that they didn't need to know, just because they had a fight and ended their relationship on somewhat of whim, didn't mean she didn't still love him.

"What did Sutton do after he heard the knock?" Barba could see the questions were becoming harder for Olivia to answer.

"He started to panic and I screamed for help. But after I yelled, he umm… he hit me with the gun against my jaw and then shove… shoved the gun in my mouth and threatened to kill me if I didn't shut up." Liv struggled to get the answer out. "Then he left me cuffed to my bed post and went to get the door."

"After Sutton went to the door, what did you hear?" Barba inquired.

"I could hear the voice… the voice of my boyfriend Brian Cassidy. He sounded worried and was asking where I was. Sutton replied with something like it didn't matter. That only made Bri… Brian mad." Olivia's breathing was starting to become shallow, as she held back the lump in her throat.

Barba inched a little closer. "When the yelling had stopped what did you hear?"

"It became silent for a moment and then something crashed to the floor. But next, I heard…" Olivia could hear the sound of gunshots ringing in her head and they made her voice stop for a moment. "There were… there were three gunshots."

Liv gritted her teeth and tried to keep her tears from falling, but it was so hard to recall everything from that horrible night and not be absolutely emotional. The more she talked about it, the more she wished that everything could be taken back, that it would all go back to normal, and that she wouldn't have to have any more flashbacks of the moment when Fin told her Brian was dead.

"When you were wheeled out of your apartment what did you see in your living room?" The ADA asked.

"There were pools… umm of blood on the carpet. There was so much blood and things were thrown over from the fight."

""This is the last question I have for you, but it is difficult." Barba prefaced the question. "That night, after being taken to the hospital, what happened?"

"One of my squad member, Detective Tutuola, came into my hospital room and told… told me that Brian, the father of my child, was… that he had died during surgery." Now, without any chance of stopping them, a few stray tears rolled down Liv's cheeks.

But she wasn't ready for what was next. The defense attorney stood up and Olivia finally really looked at Sutton. They made eye contact and he gave her a small smile, which sent a chill down her back. She couldn't do it; she couldn't let the attorney who attached to that smiling bastard question her.

Liv looked at Barba and then at the judge. "Do you… umm could we…" She choked on her own words.

The judge looked at her with sympathy. "Are you okay, sergeant Benson?"

"Could we take a short break?" Olivia replied.

With a simple nod and a bang of her gavel, the judge granted the court a thirty minute recess and Olivia left the witness stand and walked out of the courtroom.

The team and Cragen quickly followed behind her. They were worried about her and they knew she was in need of their support. When they exited the courtroom they found her across the hallway, sitting one of the benches. She looked slightly distraught and uncomfortable.

"Liv." Nick said. "Are you okay?"

Her head was resting in her hands and she was taking deep breaths trying to calm herself. "I think I'm going to be sick."

Before anybody else could talk to her, Barba came walking out of the courtroom, briefcase in his hand. "Olivia, are you alright?"

"I don't know if I can handle any more of this today…" Liv admitted, her voice wavering.

"You don't have to Liv." Barba assured her. "If you want me to I can ask the judge to recess until tomorrow."

"I think that might…" But before Liv could reply to Barba, she felt a sharp pain run through her stomach.

"Liv, is something wrong?" Amanda could see the pain that showed on her face.

Her hands rested on her stomach, Olivia could the feel the kicking of the baby, but her stomach was tight. She hadn't felt it like that before and she wasn't sure what was causing it. She tried to take a few deep breaths, but they were much shallower than before.

"Olivia…" Cragen now sat down next to her and watched as she relaxed for a second.

But then she felt it again and this time it was much more painful, causing her to let out a small cry. "Ahh."

And then she knew what it all meant. The pain stopped and Olivia could feel the gush of water stream down her legs, splattering to the floor underneath the bench.

"Oh, Olivia." Cragen looked down at the floor.

"No, no." Olivia was shaking and she had never looked more fear stricken. "This can't happen now. It's too early." Her eyes were wide with panic as she looked up at the man.

"I know that Liv." Amanda kneeled down next to her and looked into her eyes. "But we need to get you to the hospital now." The young woman was gentle but firm with her response.

With a look of sheer terror and her breathing unsteady, Liv nodded at the blonde detective.

_*** Keep the reviews coming, please! ***_


	13. Chapter 13

_*** Here you go! I know everyone was waiting. Hope you like it! ***_

Cragen stood up from the bench and offered both hands to Olivia. She took them carefully and slowly stood up from where she sat. She was a little unsteady and her face was still covered with panic.

"Do you want to take her?" Nick directed his question at the older man that Liv was hanging on to.

"Hey Liv." Cragen looked down at the scared women, who in that moment seemed so much smaller than she ever had. "Do you care who takes you?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, I just want to go."

"Okay, then I'll take her." Cragen said.

"Amanda, why don't you go with them?" Nick suggested. "Cragen is going to need some help and Fin and I will go to Liv's apartment and get a few things for her."

Amanda looked at Nick and then to Olivia. "Is it alright with you if I come?"

"I don't care." The sergeant answered. "I just want to go, please."

Everyone respected her request and they quickly headed their separate ways. Nick and Fin headed to the unmarked parked outside of the courthouse. Cragen and Amanda helped Liv slowly walk to the car in the parking garage. Their walk seemed to go on forever, before they finally got Olivia into the car and left.

The ride was silent. Both Amanda and Cragen knew that if they said anything it would not be welcomed by Liv and she had every right to silence if that's what she preferred. The former captain and the detective just hoped that everything would go well and Olivia wouldn't have to go through something more if the baby wasn't well enough at six weeks early.

When they reached the hospital, they were greeted in the maternity ward by Dr. Dawson, Olivia's OB. She was quick to get Liv into her own room, changed into a hospital gown, and in bed getting hooked up to all the appropriate monitors.

Once she was prepped, Dr. Dawson finally slowed down and began talking to her patient. "How long have you been having contractions Olivia?"

"Umm… I think since early this morning." Olivia admitted.

"Why didn't you any anything Liv?" Cragen asked her, not out of anger, but out of worry. He knew she was one to push herself when she didn't need to.

"I didn't think they were real contractions, I thought they were Braxton-Hicks." Olivia spoke quietly, every ounce of fear she had was evident when she spoke.

"Okay. Olivia that's perfectly normal." Dr. Dawson assured her. "It's hard to tell sometimes, but we just have to know. Now, I'm going to check you quickly and see how dilated you are. Alright?"

Olivia nodded, as her doctor pulled the small black stool to the edge of her hospital bed. It was an uncomfortable process and it was only made worse by a contraction that hit Liv hard. It was more painful than any of the ones she experienced before. And it was evident for everyone in the room.

Dr. Dawson finished her exam, but waited until Olivia relaxed after her contraction had finished. "You're already about four centimeters dilated, Olivia, which is good because your contractions are quite strong already and this may mean that your labor will be quick."

It wasn't anywhere near quick enough for Olivia though. Three hours after arriving at the hospital and she had only dilated two centimeter and her contractions were almost intolerable already.

Both Amanda and Cragen had stayed in the room with her, although no words were exchanged by either of them with Olivia. She was basically silent except for the single word answers she had given to the nurses and Dr. Dawson. But since she hadn't asked them to leave, they assumed that she wanted them in there.

In the next hour, Nick and Fin came and went. They had dropped off a few essentials for Olivia, but when they had entered the room, neither one could handle the site of their sergeant gripping at the hospital bed, in so much pain that she couldn't even look at them. So when a call about a case came in, Nick and Fin took it right away and left Amanda and Cragen to help Liv the best they could.

Five hours after entering the hospital, Olivia finally broke. The contraction she was dealing with came full force and she let out a small cry.

Cragen instantly moved from where he sat next to the bed and came to her side. He took Olivia's hand in his own. "Squeeze my hand Liv, just try and breathe."

Liv gripped as hard as she possibly could to Cragen's hand and tried her best to take a few deep breathes, but they all came out shallow and shaky.

When her grip loosened on him, Cragen looked into her eyes and saw the despair she was feeling. The pain, the loneliness, it was all evident in her eyes and he wanted nothing more than to take it all away from her.

But he couldn't say anything before Olivia spoke to him for the first time since they had gotten into the hospital room.

"I need him." There were tears running down her cheeks.

Brian.

"Oh Liv." Cragen looked at Amanda for quick moment and he could see on her face that she was feeling the same pity for Olivia as he was. "I know you do."

"He should be here."

In that moment with a contraction pulling her away from the world again, as she tried to handle the immense pain that held onto her, she could think of nothing and no one but Brian. When she had found out that she was pregnant one of the first things she pictured was being in the delivery room with Brian, both of them alone together and getting to see their child for the first time. He was going to be there for her, offering his hand for her to grip until he swore his hands were broke, rubbing her back trying to ease the pressure, and telling her how worth it all the pain would be when she finally got to hold their son or daughter. But now every hope for anything remotely similar to that was gone. Brian would never get to see his child, let alone be there to witness the birth. And all of it was more than Olivia could handle.

Between the pain of the contractions and the pain from the thoughts of Brian, it all put Olivia overboard. She could feel herself weakening, along with a more disgusting feeling.

"I think I'm going to be sick." The wave of nausea crashed over her hard and her face immediately paled.

Cragen, as fast as he could left the room in search of a nurse.

Amanda took his place next to Olivia. Although the two women still weren't best friends, the blonde knew that her sergeant needed someone with her and she was more than willing to help.

But before Amanda could do anything to help, her former captain came back into the room followed by one of the nurses, who in her hand held a plastic container just in case it was needed.

"Olivia?" The nurse was spoke gently.

However, she got no response, at least not in words. Instead Olivia rolled over on her side and vomited into the container the nurse had held up just in time.

After Olivia threw up again, Amanda quickly grabbed her cup of water and helped her take a large sip from the straw.

"I'm sorry." Olivia was looking at the nurse, but her apology was meant for Amanda and Cragen. She was more than embarrassed that they both had to watch her throw up.

"Liv, you don't need to apologize for anything." Amanda told her. "I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this."

Even though there had been many moments when Olivia had questioned how she felt about Amanda, in that moment having someone by her side through some of her toughest hours was appreciated. And it also said a lot about Amanda's character, that even when she and Olivia had never seen eye to eye and she knew that some of her choices had been questioned by her sergeant she still was there with any support she could give.

And the support kept coming from Amanda and Cragen as it only got worse for Olivia in the next couple of hours.

"Oohhh… oohhh." She had been silent through most of her contractions up until then, but as they were now barley two minutes apart, her small moans were filling the sterile hospital room.

Olivia was curled on her side her back to the door, facing Amanda and Cragen. She was gripping on with one hand to the bed and the other hand was wrapped around Cragen's. There was sweat across her hairline and the exhaustion that was building was apparent in her eyes. When Dr. Dawson had come in only half an hour before, Olivia had gotten to eight centimeters, so there was hope among everyone that she would get to the end soon.

"Ahhh…" Olivia felt like her body was being torn apart. The pain was more intense than she could have imagined.

"You're almost there, Liv." Cragen tried to assure her, but he knew it was more than likely pointless by now to tell her that.

An hour later and Amanda and Cragen were still watching Olivia suffer through every contraction she had. They were both unsure how much longer she was going to be able to last, any strength she had left was dwindling quickly.

"Oohhh…" Liv moaned as she felt the pain of the contraction growing and there was also an unrecognized pressure that had been worsening with her latest contractions.

When the pain had finally subsided, Olivia spoke up for the first time in hours. "Umm… Could one of you get the nurse?"

Amanda stood up from her seat and moved closer to the bed. "What's wrong Olivia?"

"I think…ahhh…" Liv tried to tell them what was happening and why there was so much pressure now after every contraction, but was interrupted by the strongest contraction she had yet. "Ahh…oohhh."

The pain seemed to last forever, before Olivia finally felt a small bit of relief and she spoke again. "I really need to push."

The blonde's eyes widened with shock before she answered. "Alright, I will go find the nurse right now, Liv." Amanda speed out of the room.

Cragen gave Olivia's hand a small squeeze. "You're ready for this." He told her.

But was she? Olivia knew that physically she was ready, but the thought of her son or daughter entering the world in such a short amount of time scared her more than anything ever had.

_*** I really appreciate all the reviews, so please keep them up. I like knowing what you all think of the story. ***_


	14. Chapter 14

Amanda returned five minutes later, accompanied by the nurse they were all now familiar with. Both were moving quickly, knowing that they were nearing the end.

"Alright, Olivia. Dr. Dawson is finishing up with another patient right now." The nurse told her. "So she will be here as quickly as she can."

Olivia nodded at her, but was secretly cursing that idea of having to wait any longer. The pain from every contraction and the intense pressure making her feel the need to bare down was slowly breaking her. She had known that labor was painful and long and not considerably easy, but she had no idea how difficult it would be for her to even breathe through it, let alone hold on to any energy.

Within fifteen minutes, Dr. Dawson finally walked through the hospital room door. "Okay, Olivia, let's check you real quick and get going."

While handling a contraction, the doctor made her even more uncomfortable in order to check that she was completely dilated, which of course she was.

But before Dr. Dawson let Olivia start, she had to explain a few things to her patient. "So, Olivia, I need to let you know that there will be a team from the NICU in the room while you deliver, so that they can take the baby once they're born."

"Why? Is something wrong?" Liv asked, scared of what it all meant.

"We don't know that anything is wrong." Dr. Dawson explained. "From watching your monitors and the ultrasound we did earlier, we have not noticed any abnormalities, but there are some things we won't know until after the baby is born."

The conversation ceased for a few moments as Olivia grasped at Cragen's hand, letting out shallow breaths during a contraction.

"So if we don't know that anything is wrong, why do the NICU people need to be in here?" Amanda asked for her sergeant.

"It's precautionary." The doctor said. "At six weeks early it's hard to predict what complications we might come across. If, and we always hope this isn't the case, something more major than we expected arises, then we can be prepared to take immediate action."

Olivia was now joining the conversation again. "What if there is something really wrong?"

Dr. Dawson gently leaned over the side of the hospital bed and looked Liv in the eyes. "Right now, I don't want you to worry about that. Everyone who could possibly help the baby will be in here. Right now we're going to worry about finally meeting this baby."

With those words, the doctor walked away from the bed. She went to wash her hands and then dawned a plastic gown over her scrubs, ready for the delivery.

"We're going to take this at a nice pace, Olivia."

Dr. Dawson was sitting at the end of the bed. The nurse who had come in with Amanda was also standing towards the end of the bed with another nurse. They were both there to help Olivia stay in the best position for her to deliver quickly. Amanda and Cragen were there as well, but both stood near the top of the hospital bed. They both had no desire to be involved in the actual delivery, but they both wanted to be able to encourage Olivia the best they could.

"When you have your next contraction Olivia I need you to give me a nice big push." The doctor said.

With the next half an hour of contractions, Liv pushed with each one, hoping to get closer to being done.

"Another one Olivia." Dr. Dawson encouraged her.

With her chin making contact with her chest and her eyes shut, Olivia pushed as hard as she could.

"Very good, Olivia." The doctor encouraged her. "Now, I need you to just breath through the next contraction, okay?"

"Why?" Liv asked out of breath. As exhausted as she was, she couldn't stop, the pain was too much to handle if she wasn't pushing.

"You're contractions are too close together, which is hard on you and the baby. We need to let your body and the baby recover between pushes now."

However, when the contraction hit, Olivia didn't think she could do it. She gripped the plastic railings of the hospital bed so hard that her fists were white. She clenched her teeth until they hurt and when it was finally over she felt drained of all her strength.

"Good." Dr. Dawson saw her patient weaken. "I need you to push as hard as you can for me now, Olivia."

Cragen quickly slipped his hand into Olivia's and placed his other hand behind her back to support her. When she bore down, Liv held on tightly to the man's hand and used all the strength she could muster.

"Oohhh…" Liv let out an extended moan of pain as she felt like her lower half was ripping into shreds.

"That's it Olivia. The head's out." Dr. Dawson smiled at the brunette, trying to give any form of encouragement she could. "I'm going to let you stop pushing for your next contraction."

But this time Olivia just couldn't do it. She was sweating and panting, completely out of breath. She could feel her body shaking with exhaustion and pain and all she wanted to do was scream when it all heightened as the contraction hit its peak. Her whole body was radiating with more pain than she thought possible. She was done, she needed to be done.

Cragen could barely force himself to watch. He had seen this woman go through hell before, but this was so much worse. And with so many other factors playing into Olivia's pain, both physical and emotional, he felt helpless.

"You're doing so great Olivia." Liv turned her head to look at the older man and he saw the tears in her eyes. "You're almost there, you're so close. Do this for that baby, Liv."

"Alright, push again for me Olivia." Dr. Dawson announced as she saw another contraction quickly approaching.

After the doctor spoke, Amanda quickly followed suit with her former captain. She grabbed Olivia's other hand, allowing her to squeeze it as hard as she needed to.

"That's it, Liv. Keep going." Amanda threw the encouraging words at Olivia hoping they would help in even the littlest way.

"Olivia this is it. One more push."

With all of the energy and strength she could pull from herself, Olivia brought her chin to her chest, Cragen and Amanda helping to support her, and pushed as hard as she possibly could. But she stopped when she finally felt the relief she had been praying for.

From where she lay, Olivia watched as Dr. Dawson gently grabbed the baby, as they finally left their mother's womb and made their way into the world.

"It's a boy, Olivia."

But that was all the new mom heard, as her son was whisked away quickly to where the NICU team waited for him. They began to work and Olivia began to worry.

"Is he okay?" Liv stumbled over her words, a lump forming in her throat.

Dr. Dawson moved to the side of the bed to talk to her patient while the baby was treated. "They're doing what they need to do for him right now."

"Why isn't he crying? What's wrong?" Olivia cried.

"They are doing everything they can. They will figure it out." Dr. Dawson assured her, but knew that it was doing very little to console her.

And then they heard it. It wasn't loud, but it was there. Quiet and small, the newborn let out a tiny cry. It was like music to the mom's ears.

"There we go." Amanda smiled at her commanding officer, who still looked at her with eyes that screamed worry.

Then the doctors and nurses from the NICU started to talk and they were moving around. Olivia watched as they moved her son from where lay, into an enclosed incubator. He had a little oxygen mask placed over his nose and mouth. But he was tiny, so tiny. He had a little bit of dark hair covering his head, but besides that the mom couldn't make out any other distinguishing features of her son.

With her eyes glued to her son, Olivia didn't even notice the NICU doctor walk up to the bed, until he spoke. "Ms. Benson, we're going to take your son down to the neonatal unit. We will have someone keep you updated." That was all he said before he left with the others and the incubator holding the baby.

In the next ten minutes everyone cleared out of the room and it was filled with silence. Amanda and Cragen were still standing at either side of Olivia's bed, but they didn't say anything. They weren't sure what they could say.

"What if he's not okay?" Liv looked from Amanda to Cragen, hoping for an answer.

"You can't think like that Olivia." Amanda said to her. She knew how easily the older woman could bring herself down.

"We have to stay positive. I'm sure he'll be just fine." Cragen would have given anything in that moment to help Olivia and her little boy.

"He has to be okay."

There was nothing else left. She had been violated and then violated again. She had the only man that she had ever really loved taken from her in the blink of an eye. Everything had fallen apart and it just kept crumbling. Her son was the one thing Liv had left and if something happened, if something happened to her baby, she didn't think she could hold on any longer.

_*** Here it is. Reviews, please! * **_


	15. Chapter 15

The silence enveloped the room. Olivia simply lay in bed, staring at the wall in front of her. After a sleepless night, filled with tears and worry and anger, Liv seemed to barely be holding on.

She had yet to hear anything regarding her son and his well-being. Dr. Dawson had come in already that morning to check on her, but had mentioned nothing about the baby. And as Olivia was already emotional after giving birth and not getting to see her son, the lack of news was not taken well.

"Do you need anything Liv?" Cragen broke the silence, solely because it was driving him crazy.

"I need to see my son." Olivia was stern and didn't even turn to look at the man when she spoke back to him.

Cragen sighed, but didn't respond to her answer. He would have given anything to secure the health of that baby boy and to be able to tell Olivia that it would all be okay. She had been through hell, pure unadulterated hell, multiple times now. No one he knew deserved a little happiness more than Liv.

There was another hour of tension and silence before the least expected happen. A doctor, not familiar to either Olivia or Cragen walked into the room. He was a young man, dressed in dark blue scrubs and a white coat. He wore a content look on his face.

"I'm Dr. Austin, the pediatrician on your son's case." He held his hand out to shake Liv and Cragen's hands. "I know you've been waiting to hear about the baby."

"Is he okay?" Olivia really wasn't one for small talk on a normal day, now was the last time she wanted it.

The doctor smiled. "He's better than okay. He's perfectly healthy."

Olivia stared at him for a moment. Had she actually heard him correctly? "He's what?"

"He's healthy and doing very well." The doctor confirmed what he had already said. "He needed a little help and we had to suction his lungs to remove a little excess fluid, but he's breathing all on his own, his heart rate is great, all of his tests came back clear, he is perfectly healthy."

Olivia felt the tears well up in her eyes at the words, but she held them back. "When will I get to see him?"

As if on cue, and before Dr. Austin could answer the question, a nurse came in rolling a plastic basinet containing the baby boy.

"There he is." The doctor moved out of the way and the nurse pushed the baby next to Olivia's bed. "I'll leave you to get acquainted, if you have any questions feel free to have one of the nurses find me." And with that the male doctor left the room."

But the last thing Olivia was watching that moment was the doctor, her eyes were locked on her son. He was small, with soft features, and Liv swore she saw a little bit of his father in him already. And he was the most beautiful thing the new mom had ever seen; he was hers, all hers.

The nurse unswaddled the infant and carefully picked him up. "The preference is some skin to skin contact with mom, so I'm just going to lay him on your chest."

She discretely slipped the baby onto Olivia's bare chest under her hospital gown. The new mom stared in awe at the tiny human laying against her. Wrapping her arms gently around him, she felt at ease. It felt natural for him to be there with her. It was all she had ever hoped it would be. From always wanting a child of her own to that moment with her son lying on her chest, Olivia felt like it was all she could possibly ask for.

After the nurse slipped out, Cragen went to stand on the other side of the bed to get a better look at the newborn. "He's absolutely beautiful."

Liv nodded as she watched the baby. "He is."

The room was quiet for a little while and Olivia enjoyed it. She got to take in every little aspect of her son. The way he fussed every time she made even the smallest movement, or how he cooed with content when she rubbed his back gently, or the way he snuggled against her like he knew he was safe, it all made her deliriously happy. And she felt like a mom, like she was finally connected to the little person she had been carrying with her for the last eight and a half months.

After nearly an hour of watching her son sleep on her chest, the nurse who had been there earlier came into the room. She helped move the baby and swaddle him back up, so the mom could hold him in her arms.

"Do you want to hold him?" Olivia asked Cragen. As much as she didn't want to give him up, she knew he had been patiently waiting and Liv wanted her son and the person, who was the closest thing to a father she would ever have, to share a bond.

"Please." Cragen carefully scooped the tiny baby into his arms.

Cragen watched the infant, who quickly fell asleep, and couldn't help but get a little teary eyed. He didn't have any children of his own and after spending fifteen years with Olivia, she was the closest thing to family that he had and now this baby would be his family too. In that moment he vowed to do anything he could for the little boy and his mother.

He looked up to see Olivia watching him contently. "Do you have a name picked out?"

That was probably the only thing Olivia had decided. "I think I do." The answer instantly brought her back to one of her memorable moments shared with Brian.

_With a long day finally behind her, Olivia settled on the couch with a cup of tea and one of the many name books she had purchased since finding out that she was becoming a mother. _

_ Brian walked in as she flipped through the pages. "Hey babe." He walked in from the front door, walked up to her, and planted a small kiss on her forehead._

_ He sat down on the couch next to her, picking up her stretched out legs and placing them on his lap. "Still looking at names?" _

_ "I figure that if we start now we may actually have on picked out by the time the baby gets here." She joked, but knew that it wasn't much of stretch as the parents seemed to be unable to come to a consensus on even just one name._

_ "Actually I heard one I think I really like. Well if it's a boy." Brian admitted it to his girlfriend, who could see in his eyes that there was something about whatever name it was that he liked. _

_ "And what is that?"_

_ "Judson." Brian said it quietly, like he was almost embarrassed to have mentioned it in the first place. _

_ "Judson." Olivia repeated it out loud. "You know, I think I really like it, too." _

_ Brian beamed with pride at her response. He had heard the name a few days earlier, where he couldn't remember, but it had immediately resonated with him. Something about it stuck with him. _

_ "What do you think of using Brian for his middle name?" Liv asked, suggesting a little homage to the baby's father and her boyfriend. _

_ "Absolutely not. We're not naming him after me." There was something about a child with the same name as their father that rubbed Brian the wrong way. _

_ Olivia laughed at his refusal. "Okay, it was just a suggestion." _

_ Brian looked at her. "I was actually thinking we should name him after Don." _

_ "Really?" Liv questioned. _

_ "Yeah. He's important to you Liv, I know how much he means to you. And I would be proud to have our son named after someone so special." _

It was the one thing she still had of Brian, the name they had decided on that evening in their apartment. It was simple and not forced; it was the name she knew was meant to be.

"But I have to ask you something first." Olivia prefaced her question. "Would it be okay if I named him after you, his middle name?"

Cragen stared at her, too shocked by her question to even answer. It was quite possibly the most important question he had ever been asked and he was at a loss for words.

With a lump in his throat and his emotions threatening to overflow, he finally gave her an answer. "I would be absolutely honored."

The same mass amount of emotion was taking over Olivia as she looked at the two of the most important people in her life. She was thrilled to have Cragen say yes.

"Well, then…" A few stray tears fell down Liv's cheeks as she tried to speak. "I would like you to meet Judson Donald."

And that was the exact name that was put on the birth certificate that afternoon, along with the last name of his father. The nurse had been slightly confused when she had answered that his last name would be Cassidy rather than Benson, but Olivia knew that there was no other name for her son.

_*** I hope you all like it! As always, reviews are welcome and appreciated. * **_


	16. Chapter 16

"He's adorable, Liv." Nick looked down at the baby in his arms and smiled, remembering when he held his own daughter for the first time.

The team had come by that evening, after closing their case, to visit their sergeant and meet the baby. Cragen had left earlier in the day to go home and get some sleep himself; so Olivia had gotten some time alone with her son. But she was happy to have the team there.

"Hey, stop hogging the baby." Amanda joked as she went up to Nick and reached for the little boy. Nick reluctantly gave the baby up.

Liv smiled at the two detectives. While no would ever replace Brian or be able to take his place as the father of her son, she took comfort in knowing that every member of her team, as well as Cragen, would always protect her little boy. With no other family, Fin, Amanda, Nick, and Don took that place in her life.

Nick sat down in the chair next to the hospital bed, with now empty arms. "When are you going home?"

"They said they're going to discharge me sometime tomorrow, probably late morning." Olivia told him.

"That's good." Nick said, knowing that Liv despised being confined. "I'm sure you're ready to get him home."

Liv simply looked at him, but didn't say anything more. She was ready to be at home, to be with her son in a familiar environment. But she wasn't physically ready to have her baby come home with her. At that moment, Olivia had a car seat and absolutely nothing else related to an infant in her apartment. With case after case coming into SVU constantly and very little time to sleep yet alone shop and then trying to cope with no longer having Brian, Liv had found no time to get herself ready for her son to be at home. And she had always figured that when she got the chance to start her maternity leave a little early after the trial was over, that she would get the chance to at least get some basics. But no such luck and now she was completely unprepared.

Amanda had looked up from the baby, when she heard the room go silent. "You okay, Liv?"

"Umm… yeah…" Olivia looked at her. "I just… uhh… I have absolutely nothing ready to bring him home tomorrow."

"What do you mean by nothing?" Fin joined the conversation.

Olivia sighed. "Just that, nothing. I have a car seat that is still in the box and that's about it. No clothes, no blankets, nowhere for him to sleep. Wow… I already sound like a horrible parent."

"Woah, Liv… You're not a horrible parent." Nick assured her. "You've had more going on in the last few months than most people deal with in a years' time. You need to give yourself a little credit."

"But how do you take a newborn home without anything to wear or any place to put them to bed?"

They could all see the defeated look on her face. It was obvious that she was more than in love with Judson and after working with her for some time, they knew what an incredible mother she would be. But Liv had a hard time being unprepared, it was the one thing that scared her. And going it alone with a baby was going to be scary enough without having to worry about whether or not she had diapers or a change of clothes for her son.

"Let's not worry about that too much tonight, you need to get some sleep girl." Fin told her.

Amanda gave the now sleeping newborn back to Liv and placed a comforting hand on the new mom's shoulder. "You'll figure it out."

"Thanks, Amanda." Liv gave her a small smile.

Nick stood up from his seat. "Do you want me take you home in the morning? I can go get your car and get the car seat put in it for you."

"That would be great Nick." That was at least a small relief for Liv. "Thank you."

* * *

><p>The next morning came rather quickly for the new mom and baby. While Olivia was still sore from labor, she was happy to get out of the hospital and be back at home with her little boy.<p>

After getting dresses in her comfortable leggings and an oversized sweater she had packed for herself and feeding the baby, Olivia sat quietly in the chair by the bed just watching her son sleep. In that moment she finally felt like she got to take in all of his little features. He had lots of dark hair, somewhat curly hair, obviously from his mother and he also had her nose. But his eyes, although he was still not fully alert, were very much his father's; the almond shape, the green color, screamed Brian in every possibly way, which thrilled Olivia.

Her inspection was interrupted when Amanda came through her hospital room door, a rather larger gift bag in her hand that read _It's a Boy. _"I hope I'm not disrupting anything."

"Of course not." Liv said. "We're just waiting for Nick."

"Well I just wanted to drop this off for you guys this morning." Amanda set the bag at Olivia's feet.

"You didn't have to do that Amanda." Liv was never one to accept gifts.

"I figured you never got a baby shower or anything, so I wanted to do something for you. And it's really from me, Fin, and Nick."

"You want to hold him so I can open it?" Olivia handed the baby to Amanda, who gladly took the infant.

Liv tore away the white tissue paper and began pulling items out of the bag. There were a couple packages of plain light blue and green onsies, three patterned sleepers, two print long sleeve onsies and matching leggings. There were also bibs, burp rags, and a couple swaddle blankets.

"I can't accept all of this." Liv knew she needed everything, but she couldn't help but feel guilty taking all of the things that her team had bought.

"Don't start with that Liv." Amanda warned her. "You need all of these things and we want to be able to do this for you."

"Thank you so much." Olivia said genuinely.

Nick walked in just after Amanda had left and Olivia had gotten Judson changed into one of his new outfits. With her bag already packed, both the baby and Liv were ready to go.

Nick helped Liv carefully put Jud into his car seat, where he almost instantly fell asleep. Nick carried the baby to the car, while a nurse, much to Olivia's dismay, pushed the new mom in a wheel chair. The night before, Nick had gone to Olivia's apartment and put the car seat all together, as well as a few other things that would be a surprise.

When they finally got back to the apartment, Nick carried the car seat and helped Olivia up the elevator and down the hall, as she was somewhat sore from giving birth. As soon as they walked into the apartment Liv noticed what Nick had done the night before.

"Where did that come from?" Olivia was staring at a what looked like an expensive, grey and white baby swing.

"Before you get mad about that, it was a gift from Brian's mom. It was here when I came by last night. The doorman said she dropped it off and all I did was put it together." Nick explained.

"Of course she did." Liv remarked, knowing that her son's grandmother would certainly be spoiling him.

"And the basinet that is in your room was a gift from Cragen." Nick warned her of the other gift before she scolded him.

"All of you did too much." Olivia said.

Nick shook his head. "When are you going to learn to accept people's help? Just take the gifts and enjoy your son, Liv."

Olivia sighed. "I know, I know."

Nothing more was said before Jud made his presence known, with small whimpers. Olivia unbuckled him from his car seat and swept him into her arms. "I probably need to feed him."

Nick nodded. "I'm going to let you guys get settled then. Call me if you need anything."

"Thanks, Nick. I really do appreciate the help."

"Of course, Liv." And then Nick left.

With her baby in her arms, feeding, Olivia finally felt like she could relax. It had never felt better to be sitting on her own couch, in her own house. Even though Judson had been six weeks early, he was healthy and in all honestly, Liv was happy to have him finally with her. After all that had happened, he was the best distraction and she was so thankful for him.


End file.
